June 11, 2013

All I wanted was for someone to tell me it was okay to sleep with the lights off...

I think that if I could do life over, with the knowledge I have now, that my favorite memories would be the ones that didn't happen.
I'd go to prom with my now husband. We'd have the big expensive wedding we always saved for. We'd take smooth rides to California and stay for longer. I'd get a job asap, even if it sucked.
So many things I'd change...

All I wanted was for you to stay with me. I need you sometimes.
But you can never seem to tell me the truth.
And here I am again, drowning in a sea of loneliness and abandonment.

Either way I guess.

'Crystal blue waters.
Clear. Open. Warm. Calm.
Brushes the ankles of her onlookers.
Blesses lovers in her wake.
Rocks an angered soul.
Helps a broken friend.
Opens her heart to all who will adore her.
And all who will not'

EDIT: "Does it feel like a trial? Does it trouble your mind the way you trouble mine?"

April 14, 2013

It all started with a whiskey sour...

"This is the moment that you know, 
that you told her that you love her but you don't."
[I'm holding his both his hands. I look up at him, and then down at the gray carpet, then back to the judge as he reads our vows. He talks about the promises and compromises of marriage and how wonderful our life together will be. I'm smiling so much that I feel like I can't breath, and I have to hold back nervous laughter. You squeeze my hands reassuringly, telling me that you love me and that you're glad we can be together forever.]
"You touch her skin and then you think,
that she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me."
[I turn over in bed. Lying there, tired, but struggling to stay awake and watch the events of the night play out. I'm staring at the wall, my heart pounding with rage. I can hear them both, breathing. It's the fact that he's lying there between us, with his arms around us both].

"I spent two weeks in Silverlake.
The California sun cascading down my face."
[After we parked the car, I was so excited to get out the beach. I pulled off my sandals and we walked down to the shore. As afraid as I was of the water, it was so good to feel the sun on my face and the sand in my toes. I curled my toes around the ground and took a deep breath, absorbing the wonderful feeling of that moment. The smell of the salty air, the laughter of the children in the background, the chill of the waves brushing against my ankles. And him, holding my hand and looking right back at me as we walked down the shore, staring out at miles of waves.]
"There was a girl with light brown strings,
and she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me."
[He offered to grab us a couple glass of wine as we settled into bed to watch a movie. We laughed, the day had been good and we were excited to finally be calming down the evening. He hands us each a glass and sets his down as he starts the movie. He gets into bed between us, putting his arms us.]

"Wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
as we moved together in the dark"
[After the film, him and I walked out to the kitchen and he looked at me as if to say, 'Do you want to?' I knew what he was thinking. He's got two girls in his bed. I looked back at him, shaking my head and thinking of a thousand reasons that no was a proper response. I told him that she wouldn't want to; that she'd had bad experiences like that before. He did not seem deterred. He asked me if I would be into it.]
"And all the friends that I was telling,
and all the playful mis-spellings,
and every bite I gave you left a mark."
[I can picture him bragging. I can see him drinking with his friends at a party and tell them the story of how he almost had a threesome. How he fell asleep with two girls in his bed. And people will say, 'And your wife was okay with this?' And he'll proudly respond, 'Yeah, she was part of it.' Like everything was fun and laughter. That his achievement of getting some girls drunk made him such a man.]

"Tiny vessels oozed into your neck,
and formed the bruises
that you said you didn't want to fade,
but they did and so did I that day."
[It was getting late. I was exhausted. I had taken out my contacts and was finally ready to fall asleep and be upset the next few days. As things are quieting down, he doesn't offer her the other bedroom. He doesn't ask her if she needs a blanket for the couch. I almost gasp as the words, 'Would it be awkward if I slept in my boxers?' slipped out his mouth. My heart beat slow as it broke into a hundred pieces.]

"And all I see are dark grey clouds,
in the distance moving closer with every hour.
So, when you ask, 'Is something wrong?'
That I think, 'You're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now.'"
[This morning he rolled over and kissed me in bed. He tried to hold my hand when I drive home. He told me he loved me a hundred times this morning. And I told him I loved him too. But I don't even want to look him in the eyes with the knowledge that he'd rather fuck some other girl or get us drunk and try to take advantage of us.]

"So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more.
But it was vile, and it was cheap,
and you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me."

'Moving forward so quickly,
pedaling faster and faster.
His parents cheer for his new achievement.
faces peek out the windows seeing him race
he moves faster and faster
the hill caresses him downwards
faster, faster, faster, 
speeds pulling him down
he falls'

April 7th of Twenty Thirteen

I think I'll finally be seeing a doctor soon.

Beyond that, I've been having a lot of homicidal fantasies lately. I want you to know, that I'm coming for you. Someday, I will make you suffer like I suffer everyday and I'll make it look like I was never there, you bastard.
I am above you.

Let's see: What's going on in life ahora.

Well, I'm married and that's going well. Wish I could get the fucking wedding photos (but hey, that's life). My car has been overheating, but it's doing better now. My dad's car is in the shop, so I'm taking him to work tomorrow.

School is going badly, but hell, it's that point in the semester where it's difficult to give a fuck.

Job hunt is going well and the hubby is working in a lab at school.

Man, I'm realizing that I honestly don't have anything to say.

WELL.
Let me emphasize one little thing that I think people should hear:
I am happy today and life is good. Nothing is wrong. 
I feel like I just don't get to write that enough.

'Drift gently through the wind, 
follow down the road, 
watch the others get blown away,
as you grab me close and hold'

February 27, 2013

How to Get Married in Seven Days:
Getting eloped can sometimes be as stressful (or more!) as having a regular grand wedding. Here's a short guide to
HOW I GOT MARRIED IN SEVEN DAYS. (Yes, world, I'm married!)

Step One: Funds
Weddings are never really cheap, unless you're not going to have a dress or wedding bands or a place to get married. Which leaves you with the $80 dollar court ceremony and a $72 wedding license fee (at least in my state). But, obviously, I wanted the bands and the dress and the veil and my hair done (et cetera) because I'm a girl.
So, funds.
It took us just about $2000 for the full ceremony, in court. You'll need at least that much, but you can chose less because I splurged on hair and rush alterations and dry cleaning.

Step Two: Alterations/Dry Cleaning.
On Wednesday, my then-fiancee and I ran around town in order to find somewhere that could help us out.
For his suit, we took it to (of course) Men's Wearhouse, where they told us we'd have to have it dry cleaned before they could alter it. So, we ran to a cleaner's and they told us Monday ($10).
For my dress, I took it into a local shop. By Monday, and taking out a dress (that was given to me), they were not pleased with the rush. But they scheduled me for my first fitting that Friday.

If you don't have a dress or suit, I recommend setting a budget for that. There are a lot of discount bridal stores and tuxedo shops around. I also recommend trying to find a dress that is a standard white white (not off white or ivory) because it is the easiest to match in a rush.

My vintage dress was a bitch to try to find the colors for and I still don't think they matched.

Step Three: Bands
When looking for bands within the week, you will not have time to order or engrave. Let's hope that you wear an integer ring size too. Go to your regular jeweler, try to stick with where you bought your engagement ring, and find bands and buy them. This can get pricey depending on what size and carat you're looking for.
But once you find your stock, buy them ASAP. Better to have them now, instead of waiting til the weekend to buy and have them be gone.

Step Four: The License
You'll have to look up where to get the license, since you can only get them from certain courts. There is normally a wait and in many states it requires a blood test, which may take a few days. Also, know what your social is. Without it, you can't get your license.

Step Five: The Judge
My husband and I chose to get married in court because it was the cheapest and fastest. The courthouse can give you a list of Justice of the Peaces (who normally marry) or you might be able to request a particular judge if you know them, but those can take longer to schedule.
We called around our area and found a judge who would marry us on Monday, and we set the date.

Step Six: Accessories
This means, the usual stuff, a veil, shoes, a vest and tie, cuff links, et cetera.
Most bridal stores will carry a wide array of what you'll need. For shoes, we actually found better prices and options at the mall. Hair accessories are typically cheaper than veils and prettier for other occasions

Step Seven: Hair+Makeup
I actually used weddingwire to find good hair and makeup places. I just left my phone number with the request that they call me as soon as they could, and when we did, we got everything scheduled.

Step Eight: Witnesses
Any witness must be over eighteen, and in my state you needed two. Obviously, parents work well for this one, but my husband chose his best friend and I chose a girl friend of mine who I had been volunteering with.

Step Nine: Fittings
Go back and get your stuff altered. It's pretty self-explanatory. After this step, I had to find a cleaner who would do my dress in two days.

Step Ten: Hotel
Local hotels for Monday nights have pretty good rates. I recommend using hotels.com to find hotels and pricing in your area, and then going to the hotel's actual website (which usually guarantees the lowest prices).
Remember to ask for AAA and wedding night discounts or packages. Sometimes hotels offer wedding packages that come with champagne and strawberries.

Step Eleven: Be Merry
and get married.
I had tons of check-lists including what I needed for the wedding night (and school the next day), and what I needed to take to the wedding (bands, license, my earrings, lotion, lip balm, breath mints, facial tissues, etc.).

Mainly, just smile for all your pictures and remember to brush your teeth before you leave home!

My story:
Alex and I were married on Monday night (February 25th) at 5:00. We had a fifteen minute ceremony followed by pictures outside the courthouse and dinner at Buca di Beppo.

Reception plans (for summer) to follow!

From the newlywedded Mrs.Grey~~~

December 10, 2012

I'm starting to wonder if my life is supposed to be this way.
Not that I mind it so much, I'm just wondering if that's how it is.

Maybe I should start over. Long ago, years and years ago, I decided to stop caring about certain aspects. You know, like what to make for dinner or where to go to hang out. Honestly, I could care less about those sorts of things but when I decided to stop inputting my opinion it was mainly due to the fact that people were getting annoyed with my ideas. So, I became apathetic about general things in life. No biggie.

Last year, I decided to submit on a more person level. To say the least, in bed. Now, when I told this to my then-boyfriend-now-fiance, I meant for only in bed. The roughness, the degrading stuff, should  all be kept in private and only used during appropriate times.

Now, I'm used to taking a lot of crap. I dated a guy who psychologically abused me for over a year. I dealt. But this, is different.

It hurts. Physically. I remember shutting down with my ex, taking whatever had to be said, whatever was done. But this is different. It's spreading to real life. And I can't stop it.

I try to be serious and I get my hair pulled, or bitten, or worse.

Nothing like slaps or punches, but I find myself shutting down all over again. I can't think that's healthy.

I'm laying there and taking my life all over again.

"I realize now that it is almost impossible to be submissive and be respected."

December 6, 2012

Well, it certainly has been quite awhile.

My fiance and I are still engaged. But, that's where the problem that I don't understand arises. So, I figure, where better to try and figure it out than on the internet where everyone can judge me. Right?

We hang out everyday, so when I called and he said, "Can you come over later? I'm going bowling with ______." I was hurt. It isn't that I don't want him to spend time with his friends or that I thought he didn't want to spend time with me, but that he had made these plans, clearly set plans, and he didn't even bother to tell me. I give him every small detail of my plans, but apparently a notification that the plans we had were cancelled just couldn't come until the last minute.

It hurts. Maybe it's because I'm needy, maybe it's because he betrayed me. Either way, I'm upset. But, I can't figure out how either. When I'm sad about him, it's "Sad Lisa" all the time, but I don't feel sad. I don't feel 'hurt'. I feel more anger than sadness. More upset that our plans mean so little to him.

But anger fades, does it not? It's been over a day between us and I haven't said anything to him. This is probably the longest I've ever not said a word to him. It feels weird. I'm not even wearing my ring. I want to cry, but I want to punch things. I want to make up, but I think about how mad he made me and what he did and I avoid him more and more. It kills me inside to know how little I must mean to him if he makes plans over ours and doesn't do me the courtesy of even letting me know.

Couldn't he just care enough to tell me?

And more than that, he texts me, out of the blue saying, "____, I need you to be pick me up." And I'm like, "Why?"
And he says, "Because ex-friend who wants to fight me is here."
So, I call, and say, "Where are you?"
And he replies, "Nevermind, everything is fine." Fine. FINE. FINE?! Somehow, everything is just daisies and lollipops after you blocked this guy on facebook and forced me to do the same. FINE. And I have to be the Prince and run out the door and save you only to find out the Dragon is cool and everything is FINE.
Well, fine to you as well.

UGH. I am still so mad.

He stopped doing the constant calling thing at least, but I am actually surprised he hasn't found his way to my door yet. You'd figure it was crisis enough to get a ride. (The transmission in his car is broken. Lovely, right?)

He's been texting me. At noon, he apologized fiercely for everything saying how sorry he was, how it was all his fault, how guilty he felt. I had no reply. I don't know. I just don't feel the urge to reach out to him.

BUT HERE HE GOES. "Either talk to me, or I'm going to ride my bike over to your house." He lives, like nine miles from me guys. It's nighttime. I have to reply. I'm telling him not to come over. For his safety. And, you know,  I don't want to see him right now. I'm going to go to bed.
Updates:
"Don't come over" -Me
"Then keep texting me."- Him
"No."
"now because I miss you and it feels like I'm dying inside." I'm sorry, what?
He's playing the pity card. I'm not biting.
"We're supposed to be married, have you forgotten?" I don't know, have I? I do remember, I got a magazine in the mail today. But, for the first time, I didn't want to look at it. I didn't want to look at dresses, or venues, or florists. I didn't want to think about saying my vows. I don't want to think about him at all.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
I just feel so upset. I can't stand it. I can't look my brother in the eyes anymore that he's taken up drugs. My fiance wouldn't support me when I wanted to face my suicidal years at a the Out of The Darkness Walk (a suicide walk). I feel like everything I know is falling apart and all I can do is sit here and write and hope that you see it.
I love you so much. I just hate that I feel like you're not there for me. I'm falling to pieces and you're just watching.
Don't you understand I cry myself to sleep because I hate my siblings? Do you know I'm almost failing chemistry?

Does anyone know?

September 29, 2012

I always hate starting like this, but let me catch up...
(Oh, God, where to start)

I redid my room! It's pink now. I'll  have to put pictures  up when it's finally done, but let me tell you-it is ADORABLE.

Also, I am  currently typing with a roll-up keyboard because sometime during college last year I overheated my laptop so bad that I messed up the keyboard signalling. Also, I hate this roll-up keyboard; it's too squishy.

I got my lady rainicorn tattoo touched up today. It looks so much more vibrant (I will also post pics when it looks better). I seriously love this tattoo though. It's such a fun, cute anklet. I'm really glad I got it.
Honestly, it was really hard for me to pick what I wanted on my ankle, because I wanted it to mean more than what it just was. Lady is more than just her character (fun and loving), she is Jake's girlfriend. She is love, she is in the endless TV relationship (and now they're pregnant). I wanted (and have) that. I needed something that was me in character form. Since I use to cut my ankles (so no one would see), I wanted a tattoo that represented what stopped that: love. Lady Rainicorn=love.

Also, I'm starting to realize how much weight I've put on, and how much I'm losing. A 1200 calorie diet feels like nothing and I lost 4 pounds this week. :)

Also, we pushed the wedding back to save up more, so here's the new official date: JANUARY 11, 2015.

And, Tekkit is confusing.

Night!

July the Fifth through Sixth of Twenty-Twelve

May 26, 2012

It’s Day Two of my vacation in Ohio. Things have been alright so far. The plane we took to Detroit and then drove a Mazda 6 all the way into Ohio (like a two hour drive). Not bad. On the trip, we stopped in Monroe, MI to get some food and ended up stopping at a country restaurant franchise called Country Barrel. They had a really neat gift shop and the food way delicious (also, REALLY sour lemonade). But after that, it was on the road again. Oh, they had these really awesome fountains there too.

Since we got into Ohio pretty late, we decided to almost immediately crash, although I really couldn’t sleep. Waking up this morning was also awful because I had some allergies. We’re still not sure to what, but I’m thinking it might be the sheets on this bed (my face and throat were swollen). Hopefully it doesn’t happen tomorrow, because there’s a big family reunion and I’d rather not be all puffy for that experience.

Today was really nice though. My family went out in the morning and grocery shopped and drove around town while I slept ‘til one. I got up after my uncle had come over and we chatted for a couple hours. My family (Mom, Dad, Grandma, uncle, and brother) had burgers for lunch and then we went to church at five. The ceremony was lovely. (This is really the only part I’m glad my fiancé didn’t go to-he would have hated it). At six, my other uncle and his wife came over, bringing with them my only cousins that are younger than me. We all hung around and watched TV before we had dinner. After that we had cookies and played Uno.

I could hear my mom joking about something dealing with my wedding plans (she was in the other room with her siblings) but I couldn’t tell what it was. I really hope she won’t do it tomorrow. Tomorrow is our big family gathering. Six of my seven aunts/uncles will be there and many of their children. It has been a couple years since we’ve been out here, so it’ll be really nice to catch up with them.

However, I am sad that I have to be out here alone. I miss my fiancé terribly and wish he could have afforded to come out and be with me for this trip. He was generously offered a spot. Tomorrow is our anniversary as well. It marks the magical day after graduation when he invited me to a LAN party and I cuddled/flirted with him. Our relationship quickly blossomed from that point.

I miss you terribly, dear. I hope your weekend goes wonderfully.

’Cattle crosses down the road, 
People honk their horns and stare. 
Their gentle walk and quiet pace, 
Will lead them there’ 




May 28, 2012 (Morning of)

Yesterday was pretty great until it was over. It was also my first anniversary with my fiancé. It’s too bad we couldn’t be together for it.

In the morning, we had my younger cousins over for lunch along with their parents and my other uncle. It was really nice. From there, we travelled to my aunt’s house were their daughter (and her two kids) were. I had a lot of fun playing with the kids and taking TONS of pictures of them. I even got to hold the newlyweds’ (well, like two years ago) baby. She was fussy. Honestly, being around all that screaming is really intimidating, but I know I do want kids. I just wish that he was here so I could have seen how he reacted to all of it. Plus, I think my family really would have liked him. The bonfire was great and I look some really awesome fire pictures. AND SMORES (YUMMY!)

Today is Memorial Day, so that you, Veterans. Even though I’ve never been fully supportive of war or this country, I’m glad that you’re pursuing what you think is right and I respect you for that. You’ve been through a lot. I honor you.

We’re going to my grandfather’s grave today. I miss him a lot, even though I never really got to know him before he had Alzheimer’s. I wonder how my grandmother manages to stay so reserved at times like this. It’s weird to think that I don’t have any grandfather’s anymore. I guess being married will change that.

We’re going out to lunch today (Mexican food) and going bowling with another one of my aunts, her daughter, her daughter’s boyfriend, and my younger cousins (and their parents). This will be the last day my younger cousins are in town. They’ve really shot up since I saw them two years ago. It’s crazy.

Ta-ta for now.

Afternoon: It’s five o’clock now and we’re home for the night. Today was full of surprises.

We started the day by going to the Memorial Day services, which were lovely. We sat in the grass and listened to a couple speeches about service and how much veterans mean to our country. The phrase “ultimate sacrifice” was tossed around a lot. They had a choir come sing (which was awful) and two people re-read famous speeches. I can’t believe that was the best they got. I was literally falling asleep listening to the most tragically uninspiring re-read of the Gettysburg Address. It was home and then to Mexican food after that. My dad and I got our orders mixed up, but cheese enchiladas were DELICIOUS. I never realized how good their food was. After some GPS issues and going to mapquest, we went bowling. We had so much fun. I won the first and second games playing against my cousins. I found out that my dad is an incredible bowler. First game he bowled a 170 with a turkey. That’s crazy! He never even mentioned that he played. During the second game I was kind of running around dealing with the Jukebox (which took my money and never played my songs), so I would run up, bowl, and then run back to talk to the manager. By the time I realized it, I had bowled something really amazing. Two strikes, 5-3, a turkey, 5-2, strike, 7-, and a spare followed by six. I got a 172 and it’s the best I’ve ever bowled.

Note: Be more distracted.

Today was the last day I got to see my younger cousins, so it was a sad goodbye at the bowling alley. We had a lot of fun though. Can’t believe that next time I see them I’ll be married!

I miss him terribly though. I keep picturing what it would be like if he were here. Who he would talk to, who he would bro-fist, who he’d crack jokes with. I wonder how well he’ll get along with everyone. I guess next year we’ll just have to find out.

I need to get our engagement photos taken and hang out with my bridesmaids.
P.S. Buy a planner.

Ta-ta, Time for Skyrim!


May 29, 2012 

Today was pretty laidback. I go up pretty early and took a shower. I mention this only to say that the water here is really soft. It must have a lesser mineral content or something, because the water is SUPER smooth.

I did some yard work with my mom and grandma, we laid mulch down in the garden and spread it around the plants. Sounds simple enough, but carrying those fifteen pound bags and then standing in the sun made it very tough work.

From there, we mainly relaxed until my family decided to go see a movie. Since I wanted to go see Dark Shadows a comedy about a vampire starring Johnny Depp, and my brother and dad wanted to go see Battleship, a movie starring Rihanna that would have been exactly like Transformers all over again, we decided to see neither and go see The Avengers again. Seriously, that movie is AWESOME. I’ve seen it three times already in theatres and it’s not getting any worse. I love the character development, the actors, Tom Hiddleson’s smile (mmmm). The only thing I dislike is freakin’ Scarlet Johansson and her retarded role. She was seriously only there to look good and her character had the most cliché background story (Russian spy). But other than that, the movie is great.

I miss home a lot. I’ve been busy wondering how my cats are doing. I am, admittedly, a little nervous about coming home, but I’m sure everything will be fine.

Toodles.


May 30, 2012

I liked today, but it’s still very sad for me to be out here. I miss my fiancé dearly and wish he could be here to share these moments with me. I can only hope he’d enjoy them as much as I would. My family can tell I miss him too.

I went to the zoo today with my aunt and uncle (and, of course, my family). We had a lot of fun, I think. We began in the artic area, and looked and seals and polar bears. The seals were pretty active, but all the polar burrs did was sleep. They were adorable though. From there, we wandered into the Safari area, and enjoyed listening to some Disney music as we looked into their version of an African savannah. They had zebras, giraffes, ostriches, and other creatures on display while songs from Tarzan, Pocahontas, and Snow White played in the background. After that, we crossed into the main part of the zoo and saw some bald eagles. Then, we went in the aviary and they had TONS of birds. So many of them were really beautiful. Some had really odd calls

We got food after we saw some cheetahs and then we went to the aquarium. From there, we saw the elephants (and a new baby elephant), the hippos, rhinos, and muskrats. And then we saw a sloth-burr and 4 tigers-an adult male, an adult female, and two adorable eight-month-old cubs (a boy and a girl). At birth, the babies were only 2/3 pounds and now they weigh almost a hundred. But they were SOOOOOOOOO cute.

After that, we went back to their place to have bratwurst and sauerkraut. They just got rooster (for the chickens) and him and his “girl” wandered the yard and he cock-a-doodle-doed a lot. After that, we played a game of Botchy Ball, but with improvised rules.

Here’s the simple version:
Goal: Throw your teams’ ball as close to the white ball as possible.
1. You pick sides and arrange players (four players-each player gets two balls in either color, red or black; six players-each player gets one ball of their teams’ color and the last ball goes to the person who threw their original ball the closest; eight players-each player gets one ball in their teams’ color)
2. One person throws the white ball any distance away from themselves.
3. That person then stands on that same spot and throws their teams’ first ball (red/black) at the white ball. 4. Each player (from step 3) must alternate teams to throw their balls and must throw from the spot the original white ball was thrown
5. Whichever team has the closest color ball to the white ball (after all balls have been thrown) wins at least a single point.
6. If the team who has the closer ball has more than one ball closer to the white one before the alternate team has a ball (ex. Two reds are closer to the white ball before the next black), then said winning team collects the amount of point equal to the amount of balls in the range before the opposing teams’ ball(s).
7. Games play to ten.
8. After the first round, a player from the winning round tosses the white ball.

But yeah, Botchy Ball=super fun

I can’t believe there are only two more days until I come home. I seriously miss everything so much, and there’s so much I need to do when I get home.
-reapply for my job
-buy a planner and start scheduling wedding meetings (venues, caterers, florists, bakers, etc.)
-work out!
-pack for going over to my fiancés’
-sand, stain, fix, and clean my new desk
-clean the house
-get in contact with my tattoo artists
-start my D&D campaign

SO MUCH STUFF
Time for sleep. Nighty night!


May 31, 2012

Today is the last day of my birth month (how sad!). We went to the Erie Canal Park (from Ohio, not New York) today and it was pretty neat. I went on a boat.

The only part I didn’t like was the fact that our tour guide had a Twilight series tattoo. UGH. I lost all respect for her at that point.

I have been missing home a lot. When we went to the general store (along the tour), I bought my fiancé a gift and also got another shot glass for my collection. I really hope he likes his gift. Oh, I also got some soap that smells like sunshine (it really does!). Here are the ingredients: “Saponified Olive, Castor and Coconut Oils, Beeswax, May Chang, Sweet Orange & Lemon Essential Oils, Red Clay”. I’ll try it out tomorrow and find out how amazing it is. The general store had all these lovely tea-light candles and they’re making me realize how much I still need to do for the wedding. And it is a lot! More than just deciding all the stuff we want to have, we have to buy it and arrange it.

So many things!

Tonight we’re going over to my eldest aunt’s place and hanging out and having dinner. We’ll see how that goes.


Today: July 5, 2012/(Morning of July 6, 2012)

Let me get you caught up internet.

I got my tattoo.
I still have no job, but I apply to a new place every day and have been in for multiple interviews (Getting better at the process).
My desk is finish except it needs a new screw for the hinge to the top cabinet.

but the biggest news is... I HAVE A CAT! His name is Atlas and he's a Russian Blue. The reason why this news is so exciting is because he's MINE (and my fiancé's). My parent's aren't contributing. Atlas had his first set of shots today and we think his birthday is sometime around the thirteenth of March. He lives at my fiancé's apartment. He is freaking adorable~!

Also, my fiancé and I had our engagement photos taken. Here's one of my favorites:

I'm taking his sister swimming tomorrow before physical therapy. Goodnight!

April Twenty-Second of Twenty Twelve

School is getting really hard.

It's not that the learning is difficult, but more psychological than that. I just cannot keep up. I could, if I didn't procrastinate so much. Example: Last week, the first draft of my twenty-page final was due. It's still not done.
I just can't convince myself to make good choices. This is another example. I haven't blogged in forever, yet here I am, doing it just to say that I am PROCRASTINATING.
-Tomorrow, I have my twenty-page paper due.
-I also have a less than twenty minute extensive presentation (with formal dress) of that presentation due.
-I have an essay due on Tuesday and I don't have any of the materials to write it.
-I have a major test Tuesday as well, and I haven't filled out the study guide.
-On Wednesday my art project, with artist's statement is due: the artist's statement is (luckily) the only part not done.
-Thursday, luckily, nothing is really due.
-Friday I have another test.
GOD, WHY IS THIS ALL HAPPENING NOW? Because it's the end of the school year. When I came back to school today, I looked my mom in the face and said, "I'm glad that this is one of the last weekends I'll have to say goodbye."
I am so giddy to be going home. Every time I leave, I want to cry. Every goodbye brings tears to my eyes. I barely got a chance to say goodbye to my fiancé.

But, this is my final procrastination. I don't care how many restless, caffeinated nights I have to go through, I am going to get EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING done. Everything. My school, my future, my hopes and dreams and aspirations, all ride on me being able to man the fuck up. And I'm going to do it.

So, goodbye, internet. I must say farewell, because finals are in eight days, and I've already watched every episode of "Southpark," "Family Guy," "American Dad," "Futurama," "How I Met Your Mother," "Clannad," and "Spongebob Squarepants." It's time to get shit done.

'forty dollars brings a friend,
a lover, if you may.
his family knows me more,
than mine would any day.
I call to him with timid heart,
for if he goes astray,
my heart will be a broken thing,
my life will be in disarray.'

March Thirtieth of Twenty Twelve

I LOVE Craigslist. Free stuff if ALWAYS the best section.
Here's some stuff I found:







I don't know, I just think free things are so interesting.

For my art class, I had to go and take pictures of street art/graffiti around a certain section of town.
Here's what I got.






'When I was fifteen I kept my mind clean,
when I was twenty-five.
Warm lighting surrounds the cat,
he was born of sin.'

March Twenty-Eighth of Twenty Twelve

Yesterday made it ten months. One year, one month, and twenty-nine days until I get married.
I am so excited.
I'll wear this dress:(1584)


With a green sash that will go with this garter set: (16)


And each table will be scattered with these: (2.95)


But our centerpieces will be more desert-y: (20)


And our save-the-dates will look like this (but four days forward): (275 for all)


And cupcakes will be involved somehow: (40 or 20)




We haven't decided on rings yet, but I like (2000 or 401.89):




We'll drink Martinelli's from these cups: (60)


By the end of the day, we'll have this to commemorate it: (68)


My youngest bridesmaid will wear the first (94) while the rest wear the second (99):




And here's some miscellaneous that I want to put in our house someday:


















Honestly it doesn't matter to me what anything costs. I love him more than all the money in the world.

'Hot hot hot
as the ice rains down.
Bipolar weather,
bipolar decisions.
Come tonight,
come Friday,
bring the cake.
I'm crying'

Twentieth of March of Twenty Twelve

Oh, sadness, hello.

One of the best relationships I ever had (the second best, mind you) was during my sophomore year. We fell in love against our own will, coming together in drama and ending in silence. It still pains me to know what suffering I have caused him.
I wish I could face him.
I still so desperately want to see him happy. I always have. Maybe if I was calmer, things would have worked out between us-maybe if I were more rash.
I don't know. There's no real justice to it.
But I apologize. I so full-heartedly apologize to you. You showed me kindness and laughter when there was none. I gave you everything you could ask for and then ripped it away. I can only now live with the ache I've caused you. I am so sorry.
I wish I could convince you. That you will find someone else, someone more beautiful, someone more compassionate, someone who will give you more love than I ever could have. Someone who will relate to you on a deeper level, someone who even your friends will like. I wish.
I wish I could share my happiness with you. I drown in joy every day. I wish I could share with you the love I receive because you deserve so much love. You deserve so much of it.

I wish that it didn't hurt you to know that I am happy.
I wish that you were happy instead of me.

I will feel guilt forever. Looming somewhere in the background of my middle-class, married life, I'll look back and remember.

Should I be sorrowful or happy about our past?

The love we shared was so deep; please know that it was real.

'Heavy tides draw breath away,
running,
running,
the moon draws in.
Back and forth,
rocking in and out,
water above,
water below,
the call to sea'

February Nineteeth of Two Thousand and Twelve

It has been quite a while since I've said anything on here. Quite a while.

Let me catch myself up.

I am engaged. I've got a GIANT emerald on my finger to prove it.

I have the most wonderful fiancé in the world. I could never have asked for anything better.

Seriously, this guy is the BEST. I have never before cried so many happy tears. Every moment we spend talking about our lives draws my happiness higher as I soar into pure and almost-married bliss. Our life together will be amazing.

Rushing?
-Weren't you just with some guy?
-Where did this other guy come from?
-Isn't this a little soon?

Firstly, yes. I was. I was dating some guy who treated me like shit. He convinced me I was nothing without him and stomped my hopes and dreams into the ground. He stole everything from me, including my pride. I was just with some guy, you're right, internet. But I woke up one morning and decided that my life was better with someone else, and I went for it.

[With every intention, I drove. Heartbroken, tears in my eyes, I went. I knew what I had to do that night. Earlier in the week, I silenced our communication, virtually ending everything. But I he found me, and reminded me what I had with him-true love. Yet, I denied it. So, a day later, with tear-stained cheeks and deep breaths, I went to see him and say a final goodbye. I went to settle down with someone else. As I saw him, I told him that it was the end, that this change was for the better, that I had to do this, that he represented a person I didn't want to be (a cheater), a person I couldn't stand to see in the mirror anymore. But as we talked, and I listened to his voice, the night progressed from a "I'm leaving you forever" to an "I'm getting better and I'm coming back soon." I couldn't walk away. A few days later, I woke up, completely out of love with the asshole, and clinging to the man that will soon be my husband.]

Secondly, this other guy has been around for quite awhile. We started dating in summer, and never really stopped. I was a cheater, sure, but I was meant to be with him and there was a reason I was. Our official date is May 27th. I'm sure I wrote a blog for it...May 28th, 2011 Ah, how conflicted I was. Looking back it was so obvious who was right for me. I guess it's just hard to see past someone who changed you so much.

[It was right after the break-up. He was messing around on his computer, and I went across the room, by the sinks, and curled up into the fetal position. He heard my soft sobs and came to comfort me. I couldn't stand the fact that he was comforting me as I cried over another guy; how awful of a girlfriend I was. I told him I was worried. I was worried I would lose him. "Why?" he asked; I was everything he ever wanted and more. "I'm going to change," I replied, half-heartedly. That's just how it was with me. Serious relationships brought a lot of change; my first one made me never want to get married and never want to have kids. And I was right, but not in the way I expected. Where I was ready for pessimism, I got optimism. Where I was looking for hate, I loved and loved and loved. What changed in me is that I am closer to my fiancé than anyone I've ever been with, and more in love than I could possibly imagine.]

Thirdly, no. I may be young, but I have never been I stereotype. I don't "date around;" I have always been very settled and never been in a real relationship less than eight months. Sure, it's my first year of college, but we won't be married until after the second and we'll be taking classes together, so I'm not really worried about us being too young or not knowing what we want or changing our minds or whatever other bullshit people think up. My grandparents met in high school, both had only ever dated each and went through 60 WONDERFUL YEARS of marriage. Nobody told them they were too young, so fuck you, world.

[I had been encouraging him to push the date up. Originally, we were going to wait until late April or May, but I was so excited about everything, I kind of egged him on. However, money was the issue. Books were expensive, and it was the beginning of the year, so he was a little low. But his mother lent him some (as far as I knew) and we went out to our original place: Peter Piper Pizza. We dressed up in classy-ass red and bought 300 tokens. We gamed all night and with 2000 tickets to spend, we had a wonderful time getting candy and picking out prizes. With all the stuff we won in hand, we strolled out into the night air when I saw that he wasn't keeping up. He had stopped and I turned to look at him. Nervousness and love fluttered through his eyes, and I knew. Goodness, it's all such a wonderful blur. He got down on one knee, and asked me to marry him and I said a wonderful yes and these words are driving me to tears because I get to be with the most angelic man forever and I am so excited. He put the ring on my finger, people from inside came out and congratulated us and we went to Ah-So (a Japanese restaurant) as fiancés for the first time.]

-Sunday, November 20, 2011: We walked seven miles trying to get to Filiberto's and became boyfriend/girlfriend again. I said "boyfriend" and cuddled on his arm all night.
-Friday, October 28, 2011: He broke up with me for the first time, and our third time collectively.
"...I'm done with this fucking game, pretending the reason I'm depressed every single fucking day isn't because you broke my heart. Maybe I'll forget about you, maybe. But the scars you left will never heal. I hope that you'll be happy with the relationship you've chosen. Being treated like some dog who can't have friends or free time to yourself. I tried to be decent and treat you well but obviously that's not what you want. so this is the end."
I'm pretty sure I wrote him the saddest and most honest letter ever that day, and I don't think I've ever been sadder in my entire life.
-Sunday, September 4, 2011: I admit that I'm in love with him, finally. I realize that I have been since his birthday. (How could I not be?)

I would just like to say, that in all of my mistakes, being with him has never been one. Every day we spend together and every night I fall asleep next to him have been blessings, every single one. Every fight we have is a bond and every silence we face is a bridge we walk over. We will conquer every mountain in our path, every fire started by the unhappy, and every thing that tries to stop us. We are unstoppable and in love.

'Heartbeats define me,
holding onto heat.
Tummies and being ticklish.
Bring me to the air,
how high on cloud nine,
two unperfect kids,
in a unperfect world,
perfect together'

January Fifth of Twenty Eleven

So, today's the big day. The day I've been dreading facing for so long. This is the day that changed my life. The day I hated myself, questioned my motives, my ego, everything.

Mostly, I was confused. Something was given away. I don't regret it, but it certainly will never be what I had expected.

I hated myself then. So much innocence and so little self-confidence. I hated who he thought he saw, and then I became her.

A lot has changed.

But, on my way home, I was reflecting on this song: "In the End" by Linkin Park

"(It starts with one)
One thing I don't know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end

You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter"

Now it's not a thing of trying and failing, no, I see it now as success. I tried so hard to have it, and now I don't even care. I had to fall (let him break up with me) to lose it all. And now, it doesn't matter. I'm better of.

The specific wording of this part:
"I tried so hard

(to please him)
In spite of the way you were mocking me
(the way he always called me stupid and yelled at me)

Acting like I was part of your property

(Something he could use, something for him alone, not my own person)
Remembering all the times you fought with me

(fought over things you would start and not let me fight, it was you yelling and me wishing I could fight back. Even if I did, it wasn't about me, no it was always you.)
I’m surprised it got so (far)

(I made this work. But looking back, why did I let you keep me for so long?)
Things aren’t the way they were before

(Everything I was has changed)
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore

(Black hair)
Not that you knew me back then"

(You were only interested in one thing, you even told me so. Three months of meeting me was just trying to sleep with me).

Honestly, looking back on this, it makes me feel awful. How could I be so caught up in something as to let this happen? He told me what friends I could have and how I would keep up with him. One step out of line or one wrong word and it was the end of the world, he would tear me down to the apparently, worthless idiotic person that I was to him.
I was the only one who cared about him. He treated everyone like shit. Even the people who I thought were his friends called him an "asshole" behind his back. Everyone must either be the bitch or the hated. No excuses, no exceptions.

It's funny now, because I know how worried he was about his image, yet knowing that everyone else has been bashing him long before I had to say anything. He didn't want me to remember the bad in our relationship when it was over, but dear, I will always remember. The good is normal in relationship, but the bad sticks.

There might have been a reason why I cheated. Maybe I needed to hear someone say that they loved me and not yell at me. Maybe I needed someone who would actually value me as a person. You wouldn't understand those concepts.

'Flames burning,
jumped from Earth into the sun,
hormones pushing me to the edge,
Dear Gravity,
pull me in closer.
Burn the tips of my fingers,
pull at my hair,
whip me around and let the rage
consume me
burn me
eat me.'

January Second of Twenty Twelve

I can't believe it's already the beginning of the year.

I've had this song stuck in my head since 2008. I swear it's such a gooood song.
Anyways, here it is: "Fidelity" by Regina Specktor









I got a new phone today. It's the HTC Evo 3D.
It's a pretty good phone. Of course I'm still getting used to it, but I like it so far. Jk, I totally wanted the original Evo, but I'm not going to be a brat about it.

Also,

I've seen you every day for a week. I'm so crazy about him it's ridiculous. It's so silly and girly, but I just can't help it. I want to say I've never felt this way before, and I honestly don't think I have.
He's just so cute. :3

The Iowa Caucus is tomorrow. Oh dear God, I hope they vote for Ron Paul.

'Explosions of color,
desperate to please.
Make me famous.
Left in black in white,
forced to mature.
Please make me famous.'