April Twenty-Second of Twenty Twelve

School is getting really hard.

It's not that the learning is difficult, but more psychological than that. I just cannot keep up. I could, if I didn't procrastinate so much. Example: Last week, the first draft of my twenty-page final was due. It's still not done.
I just can't convince myself to make good choices. This is another example. I haven't blogged in forever, yet here I am, doing it just to say that I am PROCRASTINATING.
-Tomorrow, I have my twenty-page paper due.
-I also have a less than twenty minute extensive presentation (with formal dress) of that presentation due.
-I have an essay due on Tuesday and I don't have any of the materials to write it.
-I have a major test Tuesday as well, and I haven't filled out the study guide.
-On Wednesday my art project, with artist's statement is due: the artist's statement is (luckily) the only part not done.
-Thursday, luckily, nothing is really due.
-Friday I have another test.
GOD, WHY IS THIS ALL HAPPENING NOW? Because it's the end of the school year. When I came back to school today, I looked my mom in the face and said, "I'm glad that this is one of the last weekends I'll have to say goodbye."
I am so giddy to be going home. Every time I leave, I want to cry. Every goodbye brings tears to my eyes. I barely got a chance to say goodbye to my fiancé.

But, this is my final procrastination. I don't care how many restless, caffeinated nights I have to go through, I am going to get EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING done. Everything. My school, my future, my hopes and dreams and aspirations, all ride on me being able to man the fuck up. And I'm going to do it.

So, goodbye, internet. I must say farewell, because finals are in eight days, and I've already watched every episode of "Southpark," "Family Guy," "American Dad," "Futurama," "How I Met Your Mother," "Clannad," and "Spongebob Squarepants." It's time to get shit done.

'forty dollars brings a friend,
a lover, if you may.
his family knows me more,
than mine would any day.
I call to him with timid heart,
for if he goes astray,
my heart will be a broken thing,
my life will be in disarray.'

March Thirtieth of Twenty Twelve

I LOVE Craigslist. Free stuff if ALWAYS the best section.
Here's some stuff I found:







I don't know, I just think free things are so interesting.

For my art class, I had to go and take pictures of street art/graffiti around a certain section of town.
Here's what I got.






'When I was fifteen I kept my mind clean,
when I was twenty-five.
Warm lighting surrounds the cat,
he was born of sin.'

March Twenty-Eighth of Twenty Twelve

Yesterday made it ten months. One year, one month, and twenty-nine days until I get married.
I am so excited.
I'll wear this dress:(1584)


With a green sash that will go with this garter set: (16)


And each table will be scattered with these: (2.95)


But our centerpieces will be more desert-y: (20)


And our save-the-dates will look like this (but four days forward): (275 for all)


And cupcakes will be involved somehow: (40 or 20)




We haven't decided on rings yet, but I like (2000 or 401.89):




We'll drink Martinelli's from these cups: (60)


By the end of the day, we'll have this to commemorate it: (68)


My youngest bridesmaid will wear the first (94) while the rest wear the second (99):




And here's some miscellaneous that I want to put in our house someday:


















Honestly it doesn't matter to me what anything costs. I love him more than all the money in the world.

'Hot hot hot
as the ice rains down.
Bipolar weather,
bipolar decisions.
Come tonight,
come Friday,
bring the cake.
I'm crying'

Twentieth of March of Twenty Twelve

Oh, sadness, hello.

One of the best relationships I ever had (the second best, mind you) was during my sophomore year. We fell in love against our own will, coming together in drama and ending in silence. It still pains me to know what suffering I have caused him.
I wish I could face him.
I still so desperately want to see him happy. I always have. Maybe if I was calmer, things would have worked out between us-maybe if I were more rash.
I don't know. There's no real justice to it.
But I apologize. I so full-heartedly apologize to you. You showed me kindness and laughter when there was none. I gave you everything you could ask for and then ripped it away. I can only now live with the ache I've caused you. I am so sorry.
I wish I could convince you. That you will find someone else, someone more beautiful, someone more compassionate, someone who will give you more love than I ever could have. Someone who will relate to you on a deeper level, someone who even your friends will like. I wish.
I wish I could share my happiness with you. I drown in joy every day. I wish I could share with you the love I receive because you deserve so much love. You deserve so much of it.

I wish that it didn't hurt you to know that I am happy.
I wish that you were happy instead of me.

I will feel guilt forever. Looming somewhere in the background of my middle-class, married life, I'll look back and remember.

Should I be sorrowful or happy about our past?

The love we shared was so deep; please know that it was real.

'Heavy tides draw breath away,
running,
running,
the moon draws in.
Back and forth,
rocking in and out,
water above,
water below,
the call to sea'

February Nineteeth of Two Thousand and Twelve

It has been quite a while since I've said anything on here. Quite a while.

Let me catch myself up.

I am engaged. I've got a GIANT emerald on my finger to prove it.

I have the most wonderful fiancé in the world. I could never have asked for anything better.

Seriously, this guy is the BEST. I have never before cried so many happy tears. Every moment we spend talking about our lives draws my happiness higher as I soar into pure and almost-married bliss. Our life together will be amazing.

Rushing?
-Weren't you just with some guy?
-Where did this other guy come from?
-Isn't this a little soon?

Firstly, yes. I was. I was dating some guy who treated me like shit. He convinced me I was nothing without him and stomped my hopes and dreams into the ground. He stole everything from me, including my pride. I was just with some guy, you're right, internet. But I woke up one morning and decided that my life was better with someone else, and I went for it.

[With every intention, I drove. Heartbroken, tears in my eyes, I went. I knew what I had to do that night. Earlier in the week, I silenced our communication, virtually ending everything. But I he found me, and reminded me what I had with him-true love. Yet, I denied it. So, a day later, with tear-stained cheeks and deep breaths, I went to see him and say a final goodbye. I went to settle down with someone else. As I saw him, I told him that it was the end, that this change was for the better, that I had to do this, that he represented a person I didn't want to be (a cheater), a person I couldn't stand to see in the mirror anymore. But as we talked, and I listened to his voice, the night progressed from a "I'm leaving you forever" to an "I'm getting better and I'm coming back soon." I couldn't walk away. A few days later, I woke up, completely out of love with the asshole, and clinging to the man that will soon be my husband.]

Secondly, this other guy has been around for quite awhile. We started dating in summer, and never really stopped. I was a cheater, sure, but I was meant to be with him and there was a reason I was. Our official date is May 27th. I'm sure I wrote a blog for it...May 28th, 2011 Ah, how conflicted I was. Looking back it was so obvious who was right for me. I guess it's just hard to see past someone who changed you so much.

[It was right after the break-up. He was messing around on his computer, and I went across the room, by the sinks, and curled up into the fetal position. He heard my soft sobs and came to comfort me. I couldn't stand the fact that he was comforting me as I cried over another guy; how awful of a girlfriend I was. I told him I was worried. I was worried I would lose him. "Why?" he asked; I was everything he ever wanted and more. "I'm going to change," I replied, half-heartedly. That's just how it was with me. Serious relationships brought a lot of change; my first one made me never want to get married and never want to have kids. And I was right, but not in the way I expected. Where I was ready for pessimism, I got optimism. Where I was looking for hate, I loved and loved and loved. What changed in me is that I am closer to my fiancé than anyone I've ever been with, and more in love than I could possibly imagine.]

Thirdly, no. I may be young, but I have never been I stereotype. I don't "date around;" I have always been very settled and never been in a real relationship less than eight months. Sure, it's my first year of college, but we won't be married until after the second and we'll be taking classes together, so I'm not really worried about us being too young or not knowing what we want or changing our minds or whatever other bullshit people think up. My grandparents met in high school, both had only ever dated each and went through 60 WONDERFUL YEARS of marriage. Nobody told them they were too young, so fuck you, world.

[I had been encouraging him to push the date up. Originally, we were going to wait until late April or May, but I was so excited about everything, I kind of egged him on. However, money was the issue. Books were expensive, and it was the beginning of the year, so he was a little low. But his mother lent him some (as far as I knew) and we went out to our original place: Peter Piper Pizza. We dressed up in classy-ass red and bought 300 tokens. We gamed all night and with 2000 tickets to spend, we had a wonderful time getting candy and picking out prizes. With all the stuff we won in hand, we strolled out into the night air when I saw that he wasn't keeping up. He had stopped and I turned to look at him. Nervousness and love fluttered through his eyes, and I knew. Goodness, it's all such a wonderful blur. He got down on one knee, and asked me to marry him and I said a wonderful yes and these words are driving me to tears because I get to be with the most angelic man forever and I am so excited. He put the ring on my finger, people from inside came out and congratulated us and we went to Ah-So (a Japanese restaurant) as fiancés for the first time.]

-Sunday, November 20, 2011: We walked seven miles trying to get to Filiberto's and became boyfriend/girlfriend again. I said "boyfriend" and cuddled on his arm all night.
-Friday, October 28, 2011: He broke up with me for the first time, and our third time collectively.
"...I'm done with this fucking game, pretending the reason I'm depressed every single fucking day isn't because you broke my heart. Maybe I'll forget about you, maybe. But the scars you left will never heal. I hope that you'll be happy with the relationship you've chosen. Being treated like some dog who can't have friends or free time to yourself. I tried to be decent and treat you well but obviously that's not what you want. so this is the end."
I'm pretty sure I wrote him the saddest and most honest letter ever that day, and I don't think I've ever been sadder in my entire life.
-Sunday, September 4, 2011: I admit that I'm in love with him, finally. I realize that I have been since his birthday. (How could I not be?)

I would just like to say, that in all of my mistakes, being with him has never been one. Every day we spend together and every night I fall asleep next to him have been blessings, every single one. Every fight we have is a bond and every silence we face is a bridge we walk over. We will conquer every mountain in our path, every fire started by the unhappy, and every thing that tries to stop us. We are unstoppable and in love.

'Heartbeats define me,
holding onto heat.
Tummies and being ticklish.
Bring me to the air,
how high on cloud nine,
two unperfect kids,
in a unperfect world,
perfect together'

January Fifth of Twenty Eleven

So, today's the big day. The day I've been dreading facing for so long. This is the day that changed my life. The day I hated myself, questioned my motives, my ego, everything.

Mostly, I was confused. Something was given away. I don't regret it, but it certainly will never be what I had expected.

I hated myself then. So much innocence and so little self-confidence. I hated who he thought he saw, and then I became her.

A lot has changed.

But, on my way home, I was reflecting on this song: "In the End" by Linkin Park

"(It starts with one)
One thing I don't know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end

You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter"

Now it's not a thing of trying and failing, no, I see it now as success. I tried so hard to have it, and now I don't even care. I had to fall (let him break up with me) to lose it all. And now, it doesn't matter. I'm better of.

The specific wording of this part:
"I tried so hard

(to please him)
In spite of the way you were mocking me
(the way he always called me stupid and yelled at me)

Acting like I was part of your property

(Something he could use, something for him alone, not my own person)
Remembering all the times you fought with me

(fought over things you would start and not let me fight, it was you yelling and me wishing I could fight back. Even if I did, it wasn't about me, no it was always you.)
I’m surprised it got so (far)

(I made this work. But looking back, why did I let you keep me for so long?)
Things aren’t the way they were before

(Everything I was has changed)
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore

(Black hair)
Not that you knew me back then"

(You were only interested in one thing, you even told me so. Three months of meeting me was just trying to sleep with me).

Honestly, looking back on this, it makes me feel awful. How could I be so caught up in something as to let this happen? He told me what friends I could have and how I would keep up with him. One step out of line or one wrong word and it was the end of the world, he would tear me down to the apparently, worthless idiotic person that I was to him.
I was the only one who cared about him. He treated everyone like shit. Even the people who I thought were his friends called him an "asshole" behind his back. Everyone must either be the bitch or the hated. No excuses, no exceptions.

It's funny now, because I know how worried he was about his image, yet knowing that everyone else has been bashing him long before I had to say anything. He didn't want me to remember the bad in our relationship when it was over, but dear, I will always remember. The good is normal in relationship, but the bad sticks.

There might have been a reason why I cheated. Maybe I needed to hear someone say that they loved me and not yell at me. Maybe I needed someone who would actually value me as a person. You wouldn't understand those concepts.

'Flames burning,
jumped from Earth into the sun,
hormones pushing me to the edge,
Dear Gravity,
pull me in closer.
Burn the tips of my fingers,
pull at my hair,
whip me around and let the rage
consume me
burn me
eat me.'

January Second of Twenty Twelve

I can't believe it's already the beginning of the year.

I've had this song stuck in my head since 2008. I swear it's such a gooood song.
Anyways, here it is: "Fidelity" by Regina Specktor









I got a new phone today. It's the HTC Evo 3D.
It's a pretty good phone. Of course I'm still getting used to it, but I like it so far. Jk, I totally wanted the original Evo, but I'm not going to be a brat about it.

Also,

I've seen you every day for a week. I'm so crazy about him it's ridiculous. It's so silly and girly, but I just can't help it. I want to say I've never felt this way before, and I honestly don't think I have.
He's just so cute. :3

The Iowa Caucus is tomorrow. Oh dear God, I hope they vote for Ron Paul.

'Explosions of color,
desperate to please.
Make me famous.
Left in black in white,
forced to mature.
Please make me famous.'