January Fifth of Twenty Eleven

So, today's the big day. The day I've been dreading facing for so long. This is the day that changed my life. The day I hated myself, questioned my motives, my ego, everything.

Mostly, I was confused. Something was given away. I don't regret it, but it certainly will never be what I had expected.

I hated myself then. So much innocence and so little self-confidence. I hated who he thought he saw, and then I became her.

A lot has changed.

But, on my way home, I was reflecting on this song: "In the End" by Linkin Park

"(It starts with one)
One thing I don't know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end

You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter"

Now it's not a thing of trying and failing, no, I see it now as success. I tried so hard to have it, and now I don't even care. I had to fall (let him break up with me) to lose it all. And now, it doesn't matter. I'm better of.

The specific wording of this part:
"I tried so hard

(to please him)
In spite of the way you were mocking me
(the way he always called me stupid and yelled at me)

Acting like I was part of your property

(Something he could use, something for him alone, not my own person)
Remembering all the times you fought with me

(fought over things you would start and not let me fight, it was you yelling and me wishing I could fight back. Even if I did, it wasn't about me, no it was always you.)
I’m surprised it got so (far)

(I made this work. But looking back, why did I let you keep me for so long?)
Things aren’t the way they were before

(Everything I was has changed)
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore

(Black hair)
Not that you knew me back then"

(You were only interested in one thing, you even told me so. Three months of meeting me was just trying to sleep with me).

Honestly, looking back on this, it makes me feel awful. How could I be so caught up in something as to let this happen? He told me what friends I could have and how I would keep up with him. One step out of line or one wrong word and it was the end of the world, he would tear me down to the apparently, worthless idiotic person that I was to him.
I was the only one who cared about him. He treated everyone like shit. Even the people who I thought were his friends called him an "asshole" behind his back. Everyone must either be the bitch or the hated. No excuses, no exceptions.

It's funny now, because I know how worried he was about his image, yet knowing that everyone else has been bashing him long before I had to say anything. He didn't want me to remember the bad in our relationship when it was over, but dear, I will always remember. The good is normal in relationship, but the bad sticks.

There might have been a reason why I cheated. Maybe I needed to hear someone say that they loved me and not yell at me. Maybe I needed someone who would actually value me as a person. You wouldn't understand those concepts.

'Flames burning,
jumped from Earth into the sun,
hormones pushing me to the edge,
Dear Gravity,
pull me in closer.
Burn the tips of my fingers,
pull at my hair,
whip me around and let the rage
consume me
burn me
eat me.'

January Second of Twenty Twelve

I can't believe it's already the beginning of the year.

I've had this song stuck in my head since 2008. I swear it's such a gooood song.
Anyways, here it is: "Fidelity" by Regina Specktor









I got a new phone today. It's the HTC Evo 3D.
It's a pretty good phone. Of course I'm still getting used to it, but I like it so far. Jk, I totally wanted the original Evo, but I'm not going to be a brat about it.

Also,

I've seen you every day for a week. I'm so crazy about him it's ridiculous. It's so silly and girly, but I just can't help it. I want to say I've never felt this way before, and I honestly don't think I have.
He's just so cute. :3

The Iowa Caucus is tomorrow. Oh dear God, I hope they vote for Ron Paul.

'Explosions of color,
desperate to please.
Make me famous.
Left in black in white,
forced to mature.
Please make me famous.'