June the Twenty-Ninth of Two Thousand and Ten

It wasn't hard for me to sleep on my feelings. Actually, the best rest I've had in about a month was a product of last night. Was there anything different in what I consumed or what I did? No, but I did release my feelings, stop holding in so much guilt. As such, I could sleep. I told you that it was your fault.

By the time I awoke, I realized what my decision was. I knew what I was going to do or, at least, how it would be done. Or did I? I have a strange desire to do something a little more interesting-a sort of personal challenge really. Maybe that's just me trying to prove my diginity. Nevertheless, I crave trying out this new phenomenon; it certainly would be a change. And world, you should know that I do love change.

However, I will not be rash. My little Virgo girl would just melt into a puddle and slink out of my brain (which I'm surprised she hasn't done already), if I were to just act on impulse. Now, if you think this is impulsive, you are quite incorrect. I am waiting it out, mainly to see how things play out. If I could, I would wait a few months or so before making a decision, but unfortunately, I do not possess that kind of time. I'm going to weigh all the possibilites here, as I have before, until I can reach a logical decision.

I really want to prove to you that I'm not some lowlife. Because, as I finally said today, that's how you're making me feel. That as soon as I feel one way, I just become exactly how you've described me-practically a streetwalker. But I'm not, honest to God. I am a good person, and sometimes I make stupid decisions and I know I take advantage of what I have, but God! Don't you know that I've made this decision about five times and in all of them, except for one, have I made the right choice! Why do you undermine me so? Is there something I've done? I'm not helpless; I can do better than you make me out to be able to. I have much more willpower than I've shown.

All in all, I'm waiting until tomorrow to make a final decision. I need my notes from a while back, reminding me why I made my previous choices. They will help me decide whether or not whatever I'm doing will be successful. Don't worry, it's in your favor. :3

I follow you,
around the sun and back.
We start and continue,
rotating around happiness.
If I get lost in the dark,
I go my own way,
and then I find you.
My sunshine,
we are far away,
but never apart.

June the Twenty-Eighth of Two Thousand and Ten

Well, here we are yet again. It doens't feel any different this time either. Why is it that everyone keeps saying that word? I can't stand that word. I gets in the way and complicates everything, and basically makes me want to throw up. However, I am not so immature as to say that it sucks; I'd rather say that it was a complicating factor in the romantic field of life.

I have so many questions. Why can't I get over you? Why is it alwasys like this? What am I going to do? What's the truth? How do I feel? And none can be answered. It's always like this too. I'm never able to keep you, hold you close. Do I want to? Or are we destined to stay apart and watch the other from aways? This will never be easy. Every time it gets like this, my life becomes a spiral into nothing-ness. I thought we tried before. It didn't really work. Was that a try at all? And oh...what about him?

Will someone hit me in the head? My hesitation is a clear sign from above, or in my head, meaning my Virgo. I know that this will not end well. It never has. I keep running back to you, even when I shouldn't be running away. I need to sit down; I'm tired of playing these games. I know that this is bad. I know it.

Seperate. We need to be apart. Maybe a day without the other, not a word spoken between. Then, may I sleep at night? Will my heart stop beating so hard? And my last request, is can I stop feeling so angry? At myself, at you, at the world, and most of all at my feelings. I can't believe I've led myself in a circle for the billionith time. Why won't this just go away?

Are we meant to try? Are we supposed to have hope? There have been too many chances for us. We know too much. There wouldn't be a surprise behind the other person. What would hold us together? Duct tape? I doubt it's that powerful... I don't think is going to happen.

Oh, minister,
our confessions hit so deep.
Jagged rocks onto a gellatin wall,
we drive far.
We clash like waves beneath the ocean,
and the ominous gray clouds overhead.
The analytical sense of theory
with a instintual feeling of dread.

June the Tweny-Fourth of Two Thousand and Ten

Does anyone else sense irony? Today is the year of two, if we had lasted past one. If we had lasted at all. Today, I experienced nostalgia of our relationship past and realized nothing. If there were something new to shed light on, maybe there would be something else to think, but by this time if there's nothing new, there never will be. And such is life. I recall that we had the same teacher-Mr.Seeley. He was a fabulous English teacher and we both loved him, despite he constant teasing. "I became I teacher because it's the easiest way to torture students." Now, he's the irony, I saw him today. We chatted for only a minute; we were both on our ways to our various classrooms. He is still quite entertaining to chat with; I do miss his class. I saw the irony. And Dun would say that it was a sign and Matt and I should get back together. I will never take that bit of advice.

Yes, I was being rude on Tuesday night. It makes me sad to think that I had to show you that side of myself. Sometimes, I just freak out, snap, fall apart, et cetera. But I guess I was tired of putting up with it. I feel bad and everytime it gets mentioned, which it occasionally will, it puts both of us in a bad mood sort of rut. I need to mention now though, why I did this. On this day. Ironically. I told you because I don't want to lose you. I have learned so many things from my last relationship, especially the fact that the hardest thing to do is tell someone you like the truth. I don't like hurting people; it's my Virgo. Yet, my Carpricorn has learned. I broke up with him on Feburary 25, 2009 because I could not communicate with him. It was killing me to keep to myself and it came to the point where I could no longer self-sacrifice, or I would lose everything. Anyways, that's why I was so mean. I can't afford to lose you, so I had to talk to you. I had to tell the truth because without it, it would have come to the extreme of us breaking up. I wanted to our relationship the right way, and so I did.

You're not a Bhuddist. I don't think you understand. The past is in the past, but people use it in the future and it does effect the future. I know you're trying to put it behind us and move on to brighter days, but we might need to dwell on this a moment longer. I don't want this to come between us, like things have before. The accident on your day of birth still hangs over my head. I just wish I could wash all my mistakes away. But I'm not perfect, and neither are you. I just don't want you to use this against me; I can't stand another emotional hit.

A scented breeze runs through the trees;
it smelled of the sun and sand.
Like warmth and closure,
the wind surrounded me.
I closed my eyes from above the world
and watched the breeze fall away.
Yet darkness looms between us,
the world and me.

June the Twenty-Second of the Year Two Thousand and Ten

Could I say that today was any different than any other day I have managed to withstand? Probably not. Yet, I simply can not help but be over come with a great sense of understanding on the car rides home from school.

I realize now, that it is fear that paralyzes me. Self-concious fear. I, as a Virgo ascendent, can not withbear the chance that I may not be good enough for a certain situation. I am utterly shocked and appalled that I could not overcome this, seemingly childish, fear, and still I cannot. I am afraid that I will not be good enough, and as such, whoever watched me fail will immediately cast me off into the oblivion of their minds, never wishing to visit me again. With this, since I have lost so many friends within the past year, I worry that I might just collapse and implode from lack of words to say. Once a friend leaves, I'm afraid, it becomes a near impossible task to try to catch them again.

I feel a drum in my heart;
it is the beat of my life.
With each note,
I am one step closer to death
and one step closer to purpose.
The drum changes tunes;
each day is a passing song.
For I am only the Earth,
and only a rhythm of life.