June 11, 2013

All I wanted was for someone to tell me it was okay to sleep with the lights off...

I think that if I could do life over, with the knowledge I have now, that my favorite memories would be the ones that didn't happen.
I'd go to prom with my now husband. We'd have the big expensive wedding we always saved for. We'd take smooth rides to California and stay for longer. I'd get a job asap, even if it sucked.
So many things I'd change...

All I wanted was for you to stay with me. I need you sometimes.
But you can never seem to tell me the truth.
And here I am again, drowning in a sea of loneliness and abandonment.

Either way I guess.

'Crystal blue waters.
Clear. Open. Warm. Calm.
Brushes the ankles of her onlookers.
Blesses lovers in her wake.
Rocks an angered soul.
Helps a broken friend.
Opens her heart to all who will adore her.
And all who will not'

EDIT: "Does it feel like a trial? Does it trouble your mind the way you trouble mine?"

April 14, 2013

It all started with a whiskey sour...

"This is the moment that you know, 
that you told her that you love her but you don't."
[I'm holding his both his hands. I look up at him, and then down at the gray carpet, then back to the judge as he reads our vows. He talks about the promises and compromises of marriage and how wonderful our life together will be. I'm smiling so much that I feel like I can't breath, and I have to hold back nervous laughter. You squeeze my hands reassuringly, telling me that you love me and that you're glad we can be together forever.]
"You touch her skin and then you think,
that she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me."
[I turn over in bed. Lying there, tired, but struggling to stay awake and watch the events of the night play out. I'm staring at the wall, my heart pounding with rage. I can hear them both, breathing. It's the fact that he's lying there between us, with his arms around us both].

"I spent two weeks in Silverlake.
The California sun cascading down my face."
[After we parked the car, I was so excited to get out the beach. I pulled off my sandals and we walked down to the shore. As afraid as I was of the water, it was so good to feel the sun on my face and the sand in my toes. I curled my toes around the ground and took a deep breath, absorbing the wonderful feeling of that moment. The smell of the salty air, the laughter of the children in the background, the chill of the waves brushing against my ankles. And him, holding my hand and looking right back at me as we walked down the shore, staring out at miles of waves.]
"There was a girl with light brown strings,
and she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me."
[He offered to grab us a couple glass of wine as we settled into bed to watch a movie. We laughed, the day had been good and we were excited to finally be calming down the evening. He hands us each a glass and sets his down as he starts the movie. He gets into bed between us, putting his arms us.]

"Wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
as we moved together in the dark"
[After the film, him and I walked out to the kitchen and he looked at me as if to say, 'Do you want to?' I knew what he was thinking. He's got two girls in his bed. I looked back at him, shaking my head and thinking of a thousand reasons that no was a proper response. I told him that she wouldn't want to; that she'd had bad experiences like that before. He did not seem deterred. He asked me if I would be into it.]
"And all the friends that I was telling,
and all the playful mis-spellings,
and every bite I gave you left a mark."
[I can picture him bragging. I can see him drinking with his friends at a party and tell them the story of how he almost had a threesome. How he fell asleep with two girls in his bed. And people will say, 'And your wife was okay with this?' And he'll proudly respond, 'Yeah, she was part of it.' Like everything was fun and laughter. That his achievement of getting some girls drunk made him such a man.]

"Tiny vessels oozed into your neck,
and formed the bruises
that you said you didn't want to fade,
but they did and so did I that day."
[It was getting late. I was exhausted. I had taken out my contacts and was finally ready to fall asleep and be upset the next few days. As things are quieting down, he doesn't offer her the other bedroom. He doesn't ask her if she needs a blanket for the couch. I almost gasp as the words, 'Would it be awkward if I slept in my boxers?' slipped out his mouth. My heart beat slow as it broke into a hundred pieces.]

"And all I see are dark grey clouds,
in the distance moving closer with every hour.
So, when you ask, 'Is something wrong?'
That I think, 'You're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now.'"
[This morning he rolled over and kissed me in bed. He tried to hold my hand when I drive home. He told me he loved me a hundred times this morning. And I told him I loved him too. But I don't even want to look him in the eyes with the knowledge that he'd rather fuck some other girl or get us drunk and try to take advantage of us.]

"So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more.
But it was vile, and it was cheap,
and you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me."

'Moving forward so quickly,
pedaling faster and faster.
His parents cheer for his new achievement.
faces peek out the windows seeing him race
he moves faster and faster
the hill caresses him downwards
faster, faster, faster, 
speeds pulling him down
he falls'

April 7th of Twenty Thirteen

I think I'll finally be seeing a doctor soon.

Beyond that, I've been having a lot of homicidal fantasies lately. I want you to know, that I'm coming for you. Someday, I will make you suffer like I suffer everyday and I'll make it look like I was never there, you bastard.
I am above you.

Let's see: What's going on in life ahora.

Well, I'm married and that's going well. Wish I could get the fucking wedding photos (but hey, that's life). My car has been overheating, but it's doing better now. My dad's car is in the shop, so I'm taking him to work tomorrow.

School is going badly, but hell, it's that point in the semester where it's difficult to give a fuck.

Job hunt is going well and the hubby is working in a lab at school.

Man, I'm realizing that I honestly don't have anything to say.

WELL.
Let me emphasize one little thing that I think people should hear:
I am happy today and life is good. Nothing is wrong. 
I feel like I just don't get to write that enough.

'Drift gently through the wind, 
follow down the road, 
watch the others get blown away,
as you grab me close and hold'

February 27, 2013

How to Get Married in Seven Days:
Getting eloped can sometimes be as stressful (or more!) as having a regular grand wedding. Here's a short guide to
HOW I GOT MARRIED IN SEVEN DAYS. (Yes, world, I'm married!)

Step One: Funds
Weddings are never really cheap, unless you're not going to have a dress or wedding bands or a place to get married. Which leaves you with the $80 dollar court ceremony and a $72 wedding license fee (at least in my state). But, obviously, I wanted the bands and the dress and the veil and my hair done (et cetera) because I'm a girl.
So, funds.
It took us just about $2000 for the full ceremony, in court. You'll need at least that much, but you can chose less because I splurged on hair and rush alterations and dry cleaning.

Step Two: Alterations/Dry Cleaning.
On Wednesday, my then-fiancee and I ran around town in order to find somewhere that could help us out.
For his suit, we took it to (of course) Men's Wearhouse, where they told us we'd have to have it dry cleaned before they could alter it. So, we ran to a cleaner's and they told us Monday ($10).
For my dress, I took it into a local shop. By Monday, and taking out a dress (that was given to me), they were not pleased with the rush. But they scheduled me for my first fitting that Friday.

If you don't have a dress or suit, I recommend setting a budget for that. There are a lot of discount bridal stores and tuxedo shops around. I also recommend trying to find a dress that is a standard white white (not off white or ivory) because it is the easiest to match in a rush.

My vintage dress was a bitch to try to find the colors for and I still don't think they matched.

Step Three: Bands
When looking for bands within the week, you will not have time to order or engrave. Let's hope that you wear an integer ring size too. Go to your regular jeweler, try to stick with where you bought your engagement ring, and find bands and buy them. This can get pricey depending on what size and carat you're looking for.
But once you find your stock, buy them ASAP. Better to have them now, instead of waiting til the weekend to buy and have them be gone.

Step Four: The License
You'll have to look up where to get the license, since you can only get them from certain courts. There is normally a wait and in many states it requires a blood test, which may take a few days. Also, know what your social is. Without it, you can't get your license.

Step Five: The Judge
My husband and I chose to get married in court because it was the cheapest and fastest. The courthouse can give you a list of Justice of the Peaces (who normally marry) or you might be able to request a particular judge if you know them, but those can take longer to schedule.
We called around our area and found a judge who would marry us on Monday, and we set the date.

Step Six: Accessories
This means, the usual stuff, a veil, shoes, a vest and tie, cuff links, et cetera.
Most bridal stores will carry a wide array of what you'll need. For shoes, we actually found better prices and options at the mall. Hair accessories are typically cheaper than veils and prettier for other occasions

Step Seven: Hair+Makeup
I actually used weddingwire to find good hair and makeup places. I just left my phone number with the request that they call me as soon as they could, and when we did, we got everything scheduled.

Step Eight: Witnesses
Any witness must be over eighteen, and in my state you needed two. Obviously, parents work well for this one, but my husband chose his best friend and I chose a girl friend of mine who I had been volunteering with.

Step Nine: Fittings
Go back and get your stuff altered. It's pretty self-explanatory. After this step, I had to find a cleaner who would do my dress in two days.

Step Ten: Hotel
Local hotels for Monday nights have pretty good rates. I recommend using hotels.com to find hotels and pricing in your area, and then going to the hotel's actual website (which usually guarantees the lowest prices).
Remember to ask for AAA and wedding night discounts or packages. Sometimes hotels offer wedding packages that come with champagne and strawberries.

Step Eleven: Be Merry
and get married.
I had tons of check-lists including what I needed for the wedding night (and school the next day), and what I needed to take to the wedding (bands, license, my earrings, lotion, lip balm, breath mints, facial tissues, etc.).

Mainly, just smile for all your pictures and remember to brush your teeth before you leave home!

My story:
Alex and I were married on Monday night (February 25th) at 5:00. We had a fifteen minute ceremony followed by pictures outside the courthouse and dinner at Buca di Beppo.

Reception plans (for summer) to follow!

From the newlywedded Mrs.Grey~~~