November the Twenty-Ninth o' Two Thousand and Ten

I believe it. I knew it all along. I felt it from his presence, his walk, his talk. The way there were secrets; I knew. A woman knows. She does. Does it surprise me? Not specifically. The only thing that loses me in translation is how. Was it really my favorite place to be? Or was it someone lying? Maybe it was God. (Since everything is derived from God, everything relates back to God). I wait for answer, just like you.

I am pleased. I told you what you wanted to hear. Nothing but lies. I wait for a reason, justice, and then you can know. I wait. So do you.

Calmly creeping through the trees,
a hunter stalks its prey.
A muffled cry beneath the wind,
and sand blows it away.'

November the Twenty-Sixth of Two Thousand and Ten

It's been a long day. Even though I slept in until 10:22 AM.

I know you are right. It only takes a certain variable to discover absolute truth. For some, it is unbinding of chains. For others, it is just a good friend. How could I be so blind? Or is it bias that destroys me? Maybe it's just the fact that I'm so eager to believe you...

I'm not complaining. I did this. I want this.

This is all too funny. The irony is overwhelming. Uncaring, selfish, and using? BOTH SIDES. LOL. The weirder thing is that you feel used, because she tried to get to him. But really, he's using her to get to her. WEIRD.

'Bright nights and hearts,
heated days and movies.
Cliches and broken bones.
Where are they?'

November the Twenty-Third of Two Thousand and Ten

There he stands, majestically, watching his fate go. He knows that what he left behind was his life, his future, and everyone else's. He was the hope of his family and his people. So, why did he let it pass?

He stands over a small cliff, looking out at the rising water. He sees it glisten as the sun rises behind him and he breathes in the fresh water air. He looks down at what will be and then behind him to his people. They pace nervously, awkwardly dancing in place, wondering what will become of them. From a distance, another sees them and he waves goodbye and tears fall down his face. Everyone knew they were different, but to sacrifice everything...

At first, he regretted what he had done. He was ashamed that he had thrown away everything important to him. He was so frustrated. How could he demoralize his people? How could he let everyone down? How could he risk the friendship of those closest to him? And then, his anger moved against him and his argument turned into a self-attack. How could he do that? He was supposed to be the protector and the defender, but instead everything turns to the opposite. He is the murdered, a serial killer within their walls. Everything was his fault. He turned his people against him. He's throwing their friendship away. He turns and faces who he loves and bows his head in shame. "I have failed you." he called out to them, "but I cannot go back on what his done." With that, he felt the water wrap around his legs and he laid in despise.

'Knowledge only soothes a worries soul,
memories are about the materials made.
One can only do so much for a heart,
before it breaks.
Whether by others or by hammers self.
Finding things never lost,
maturity is a child's game.'

November the Twenty-Second of Two Thousand and Ten

How easily Claudius and Gertrude fall together, despite how short it was between that and the death of Hamlet Sr. But Gertrude wants Claudius all the same, and she will have him. She does have him. Especially in the Mel Gibson version, she has him. All the same, Hamlet must protest. It's been only two months since his father passed, and his mother is marrying? How could he forgive her or praise her in the swift movement towards his uncle that was made! Or was it his uncle, Claudius, who so easily swept her off her feet? No matter. In Act III, it all comes out of the box, and Hamlet, finally, fully expresses his distaste for the marriage. And then, a surprise. They kiss. Hamlet and Gertrude. It was his mother who initiated the action, but all the same, it was morally corrupt. "What should such fellows as I do, crawling between earth and heaven?" Gertrude, in the end, was meant to be with Claudius. It's what she wanted, what she dreamed up, and what she craved. Overcoming all odds, she married him and they were both pleased. Her kiss with Hamlet was just a moment in her life that she beg the Gods forget, for it means nothing to her now.

Every game of chess is composed of players and pieces. One person heads a team, like a motor unit (neuron and muscles to control). There are two queens on every table at the start. These queens are the power players, the strongest and meanest pieces on the court. They devour every pawn in their way without the slightest bit of hesitation. But this also makes them chess' most wanted. Or is it second most wanted? The objective of the game is to win the king, who is supposed to be strategically placed and positioned so that no one may reach it. It is the stupidest, yet most valued piece. Although seemingly lazy, this piece heads the army of everyone and without him, they are lost. Of course, without the queen, most are destined to fail.

I am such a bad liar.

'Look, a bird.
See it flutter fall.'

November the Seventeenth of Two Thousand and Ten

Where does this time fly by? Like birds in winter, it passes by us quicker than a cool summer breeze. Not only that, but it is the moment that creeps forward when you realize that time has in fact surpassed you too and every moment and pleasure that could have been possibly experienced in that time is lost. But lost too is the time you could have spent actually doing something instead of now wondering what you could have had, would have had, had you not been wasting your time. Then again, what is time wasted? Time use not being productive? Time that passes quicker than it should? Good times you wish could be brought back? And a longer time is wasted again.

It's a hard life to lead, leading one not for yourself. Should I ever? What is a day where I could only think of what I want? Never existed. Something I do for myself, like decide between silver and gold, whether to wear my hair up or down, and when to do my homework. Most things I do for everyone else. My weight, hair, what colors I wear, classes I take, when I get my homework done, hours on facebook...The list goes on to infinity. I never truly realized how much of my life is given away to please others until I stopped what could be halted and looked at what had changed. I wear more colors of the rainbow now. I stand up for myself now. I think evil things about people I love now and desperately wish I could say them (but to no avail). I do my homework later.

When he took a step over the line I took a step forward over his. No one pushes that button and gets away with it; no one. Rude words, glare, and easy contradictions have for only a day have made your life hell and you know it. Do not test me. This is the only point where I DO NOT BACK FUCKING DOWN-EVER. You will lose this fight against me, even if it means when I go away,we never speak again.

'Two makes more than broken hearts
and disappointed souls.
Where does the line between respect
and love break?
Hope is never around the corner,
and forgiveness is a mile beyond.'

November the Fourteenth of Two Thousand and Ten

There is only one thing left to say. I have said it all weekend, since Friday, repeatedly, to anyone with a conflict, but I will say it once more just to make sure that everyone understands: So, what now? It is only three of the most powerful words I've ever spoken. More intense than, "I love you." Because when you say, "So, what now?" the world stops and people are forced to really think what the progression of their lives are and what happens once a goal is met. Or, something disastrous happens. Something unexpected will cross your path, what then? Are we really ready for the worst, what ever it may be? The answer is, and will always be, no. No one is ready for what ever will happen, because who spends their time thinking about that shit all the time? No longer how long someone will deny it, there is not a person on Earth who doesn't (even secretly) hope for good to come. No one can deny that to themselves; no one.

We both believe it. We both think that it's true. Yet, I keep hoping that situations can be avoided. The awkward tension shouldn't exist. Although, and this will bother me forever, that question really threw me off. When you ask, I sat there shocked for a split second, thinking, 'Really?' I guess I could not have hesitated too long, or else you would have gotten suspicious. Anyways, not my point here. I'm pretty sure you know. That's why it isn't him, or anyone else. That's the reason why.

Super bipolar about what to do here. :/

'Quiet is louder in the dark,
and life is scarier when it's lit.
Where are the middles?
Lost in the oblivion of your eyes.'

November the Twelfth of Two Thousand and Ten

I need to take a break from psychology and realize what is going on in my crazy life. First, I'm pretty sure he either knows and is denying it or he actually hates me and wants me to go away, but I just haven't gotten the hint yet. There is not denying the truth of a crush because a lie about feelings and truth will only escalate things to a new level of hell. Yet, I still wish it would go away and never come back. It's like I try to make my life more complicated. Screw this, I will never change for anyone. Two, what do you expect of me? To be more than I am? You never clarify and you expect me to read your mind. You are not a child; use your words.

How am I supposed to describe to you this feelings? What words bring to my head? How everything gets strongly taken one way or another. It isn't like you don't know the feeling, girl. You've been in my place before, haven't you? Or have you?
I keep telling you, it's the big picture,not just the little pieces of what you want. Good and bad, we take it all or leave it be.

'Falling apart when being picked up,
destroyed for the fun.
Like white in white wilderness,
everyone is lost in the dark.'

November the Ninth of Two Thousand and Ten

Maybe it's only war to me because I can see both sides. Every piece of me sees the fighting, yet it's not there. Almost like shit-talking instead of manning up. I'm sure we would both be proud enough to do so. I don't know anymore; I just see it. I can't define what doesn't exist to anyone but me. How could I even begin to explain what no one is to understand?

Maybe I was wrong. I believe that this was it, and in an instant, it's gone. Because she cares about me, and I never knew her without that.

How easily my wild heart be tamed. What soft, sweet songs be sung to soothe my sorrowed soul. How quite quiet quills be so quip with me. Only your truths may be so told as to trouble tired tapestries of tret. You get me going, wondering, thinking. And I can't stop pondering, dreaming,hoping, all about you.

'Sully sorrow spans slowly,
with wild words of wit written.
To troubling the times of tret,
but borrowed blood be not broken.'

November the Fourth of Two Thousand and Ten

Only now do I begin to feel those lovesick twangs. I think that I want you, but yet I do not. I miss what we had, what we could have had, but yet, I do not. I do not regret the decision I have made, for as I said before, it has shown me the sun (reference "Allegory of a Dark Cave" by Plato). I do not need to play a part in a play before I can figure out what was here, I know myself too well for that. It is just that comparison is a sick habit that I can not kick. Like I told you last November the First,"You are an amazing kisser." Some boys just won't stack up.

I've got the proof that I'm not yours anymore though. Unlike your worry, it is not some boy or some love note written by a girl. It is my physical evidence of change, my only status. Where did this come from, you might ask. China. I will wear it round, we'll see who notices.

You two, the boy and the girl, with the Friday hangouts, want to do it for Winter Formal? With my volleyball friend too? She's got a deep soul, I'm sure you will like her.

I'm so excited for tomorrow! Who knows what another day will bring?

'Between the stars lie planets,
like broken bicycles.
Traveled far to find a home,
but only to be broken and misused.
Why must I be so bicycle?
And you the sin.'

November Second of Two Thousand and Ten

Here we go again. New day, same play. She's right world, they aren't my friends. I mean, they were before I started treating them like play things. "Friends don't mess with your mind or fuck with your feelings." I'm a bad person and a bad friend. What am I trying to accomplish here by destroying them? I wish not to stand up for myself when I don't deserve it, but I know that I'm not purposely trying to hurt them. If I could be with them both, and please them both, but I can't.

I know now that my problem, how I have tried to deny it, is that I am on the rebound. Once more, as always. I wish no one had gotten caught up in this either. I want to run away from you two, and never put you through the damage my heart will take out. I've already stabbed one of you, but you won't see the blood 'til I pull out the knife. I wish I could tell you, other you, to run. But I can't. My sick self needs someone to be hers.

Even sicker, is that there's only one person I want. Only one.

'What sick sun is this?
Rising and turning the sky black.
What bright moons are you?
When did two become the heros of the day?
Don't save me.
Only I have sheathed myself.'