July the Fifteenth of Two Thousand and Ten

Maybe it's just a crazy feeling inside me, something girly, something like fire. And I know that I have certainly lashed out at people. And that my ways of coping are random and bipolar. But what else am I supposed to do? I do not understand the way I feel, or what I can do. Everything I knew about life is backwards, twisted inside out and upside down. Where do I go from here, now that everything that was right is wrong? While A is Z and B is Y, I can not figure out what to do.

It isn't like this was easy for me to say. I didn't just wake up one morning and decide to do this. I don't think you did either. And I was upset about it. That's why it's been avoided for the past few days. I am still upset. I don't think you notice it though. Probably because I have turned myself a different character whenever I am around. With other people, it's like I'm on a drug-too happy and giggly for it to make sense. With you, I become a robot. I'm stuck on one-word answers. Everything is summed up.

Now, I have a dilema. One I never thought I would have to make. Everything was so black and white before all of this. Sometimes I just wish this had never happened, any of it. Yet, it did and neither of us can turn back time. So, how will this end? Not easily. No matter what I decide, it will be hard on me because I am so dang confused. ...Why did you do this to me?

'Face in my hands,
the darkness is warmth.
The smell of death creeps
luring me into its nausea.
Silence is my escape,
and emotions are like rockets.
My heart is one fire,
and my mind is ice.'

July the Second of Two Thousand and Ten

Wow. Out of every crazy thing I want to scream, every insane word I want to yell at you, every heart-breaking phrase, all I can say is wow. And that wow can only be summed up to the fact that I can not believe you.

You did not lie to me; as such, there is no need for me to forgive you. You just did not know what you were getting into, and you were too afraid to go on. I understand. I have been there before at that point. And this commitment is scary; I know.

But I can not will myself to forgive you for that. What kind of feeling person would? After everything we have been through, all the hardships, you can't say how you feel out loud?! YOU'RE PATHETIC. What kind of person does that? How heartless did you just become? I can not believe you are doing this to me.

Stop calling me pet names, then. Stop calling me love and deary poo. It's all lies, anyways. Don't talk to me. Don't give me rides anymore. You're...I don't even know what to say.

The ocean is cold.
I feel the water surround me.
Fighting to stay above,
but hatred pulls me beneath.
The water is warmer than this.

July the First of Two Thousand and Ten

Like I said before, the decision was already made. If you're reading this, it's probably out of confirmation, false hope, or pure curiousity. I cannot say that some of this was easy. Honestly, out of the three choices I had, it came down the most conflicting matter a girl should ever have to deal with. Who's more important?

You are amazing. Whether you believe it or not. Some people treated you wrong, but I do not see your flaws. You have always been there for me, and hopefully, always will be. You know who I am, and I know you. We are so close, people think we have some sort of relation. It makes me laugh. You are with me in spirit and soul, even when you are away. I love you.

You have known me for a while now. I remember how I met you. There was not an immediate connection, but when we found it-it was magic. I liked you so much then and I still do. You know I can not hide my feelings for you. I have shown them so many times. "I'm wearing the smile you gave me."

It's complicated between us. Has it not always been? I liked you, then you liked me... So complex. I admit, I have liked you constantly for the past two years. I have sacrificed what I should have been loyal to twice for you. The second time...was fun. But not enough.

I'm sorry. You know who you are. The first kiss means a lot to me. I will never forget ours. Just, someone else's was better. You know who you are. Happy almost monthaversary.

Honestly, I am sorry, though. I continuously lead you on and make you believe that you have a chance. And you do. Just not now. And with the way things have been, probably not for a while. I am sorry. Honestly.

'Light or dark,
my quest or my heart.
You are a candle.
Like oxygen.
My blood craves you.'