August Twenty-Sixth of Two Thousand and Ten

Even though sometimes it goes by really slowly, I do particularly enjoy school. All six hours of it. My classes are, at times, challenging, but three are AP (advanced placement), how could they not be? Nevertheless, I love them and I am satisfied.

First hour is AP government. Every week, three days a week, we bring in editorials about America and discuss them. You should watch our class blow up when we talk about gay marriage or the mosque in New York! Our class is mainly one-sided, but it's fun to watch everyone get upset over people not believing the same thing they do. However, the most exciting thing of all is this one Mormon. I AM SO BIASED WHEN IT COMES TO MORMONS-typicallly. But there he was, shining in the light, like an angel of Satan. This LDS believes gay marriage isn't wrong. He believes that the mosque should be accepted instead of hated. And I just want to run up to him and spawn his Mormon children! (I don't even want kids!) He restored my faith in humanity. It was beautiful.

Then, there's English. I was more scared on the first few days that it was going to be really difficult. Ends up, I've got better grammar than a lot of kids around me. And, a kid in my class is gay! :DDD "[Cute, fuzzy bunnies] going prowling for carrots." Right now, I'm doing a story analysis on "The Story of an Hour." It's about Louise Mallard, a now, widow with a heart problem. When she hears her husband is dead, she disappears to her room to celebrate. However, he turns out to be alive and she dies of a heart attack from shock. And that's how that went. The more I analyze it, the more I think about the subtle evil that could be there. Did Josephine know Brently was downstairs and was trying to kill her sister, Louise? If so, does Josephine have a secret crush on Brently and wants him to love her, so she's killing his wife? Did Richards lie all along to help this evil plot? Why is Josephine so eager to get Louise out of the room? Too many questions, so little answers.

Third hour is orchestra, which is always amazing. My teacher makes orchestra so much fun and everyone loves him. Right now, my orchestra class is playing "Ididarod," "Love Song from Kanding," and "The Tempest." They are all very different pieces, but all very fun. I'm so happy to finally be a first violin. Yay~

Lunch is amazing. Pokemon FTW. Battled a friend today who beat me with his level one hundred Gengar, Estella. I knew I was going to lose, but Christ, I killed five of his pokemon and I had three left. Fuck cakes. My table is pretty interesting. I'm the only girl left at our table now that my best friend has LEFT ME! But it's all good because I'm a dude between the ears. I love our political and economic debates. <3

Fourth hour is MY class. Sure, it's tough, but psychology is where it's at. I'd like to be a clinical psychologist when I grow up and help out those crazies. I love the crazies. The classwork is tough and the reading is BORING! But notes and review time are really helpful, so I'm grateful for that.

Fifth hour anatomy. Dear God, just when you think all the memorizing is over HERE COMES SO MORE, MOTHERFUCKER! Christ, and that class takes forever! But at least there are some of my friends in there, that's the only thing that keeps me going. "So, Daughter, what did you do in anatomy today?" "We made babies!"

Sixth hour, I'm a student aid. I miss having that class. But I realize now, it was, no matter how amazing, too easy. And my teacher was tough. She's great and the best teacher I've had so far. I love working with her. She makes me want to be an english teacher, So inspirational. <3~

P.S., World, I really want to kiss him again. I keep playing it over and over in my mind and I swear, I will kiss him. I will.


'Wants, desires,
secret fires.
Burn within me,
light of eternity.
Wish and dream,
thought of stream.
Hopeless bliss,
from you-a kiss.'

August the Twenty-Fifth of Two Thousand and Ten

Oh, August twenty-fifth, tell me what is wrong. Tell me why I am so sad. Tell me why I do not care. Tell me, day, I demand an answer. I feel hopeless inside and everything around me is slowly, but surely, coming to an end.

Everything means nothing to me, and nothing still means nothing. When will this apathy end? When will I understand my own self. High school is for growth and change, but I already know what I believe in and who I am. Christ, why can't I understand the way I feel?!

It feels like a rock, like I swallowed a rock. Inside me, there is a bag of sand. A bag of lump. A bag of something. A bag of nothingness. A bag of despair. And yes, I swallowed it. For there it sits inside me with a pleased look of satisfaction on its face as I cry myself to sleep. As I stare aimless at my friends. As I start to find no desire for anything. It poisons my system, takes over my brain. My prefrontal cortex, my emotions system, decomposes and this nothingness, this lump, carries a smug look and hates me. It just loathes my existence and my life. It despises me so much, that it made me swallow it, so that it could evilly destroy me from the inside out. So, day, when I die, I guess everyone will know why.

But it is more than that. I can't stop lying to you-as you got a taste of today. I'm done, fed up. I'm not kidding around anymore. You know, and yet you continue. Stop choking it down to bad decisions, because people worth my time learn from their mistakes. I'm not laughing it off anymore because it was never funny in the first place. Stop demanding from me too. Not cool. If you ever bothered to fully read the black note I left you it said something to this effect, "And I kissed him because I wanted to. Not because I was forced to. [He] would never do that." It's like you broke my heart. BROKE IT. "My heart's not a spring." I can't just grab some duct tape and fix it myself. Maybe that's why it's so sour to say those three words. Because my hearts broken. And know I'm falling out of love. I am sorry that this happened. That I spoke up at all. Or that until you read this, I will keep lying to you.

No, this isn't PMS. This is me. Finally. I've snapped. So, watch out world; here I come.


'Treat me right,
start a fight.
I keep waiting
for the sky to fall.
The Earth trembles
and he leads me away.'

August the Twleveth of Two Thousand and Ten

My home is an aerie, and I am a death hawk. I rip through friendships like a shredder to paper, and manage to destroy them irrevocably. Without even trying to. Maybe I am a little vague and ambivalent, but you are the one who keeps abstaining from seeing me. We have plans and one little detail gets changed, or one little thing changes, and soon enough, we can't hang out anymore. Faster than that, our friendship falls apart.

We can't just wait for someone to shout to us from the belfry and tell us what to do. We need to act of our own accord, make plans and stick to them, have ideas for chilling. We have to be adults here or else this is never going to work out. And if our friendship falls apart, I'm going to cry like a girl who was assailed and raped.

Remember when you promised me that'd you always be there? What happened to that? Or, is it a constant thing that boys do-this lying to girls thing? I never thought I could trust a boy, but my heart is breaking at the thought of you leaving, so clearly I beleieved that you were honest. Out of nowhere, our friendship is apathetic to you. It's not like I couldn't feel you drifting away, but today it was almost a slap in the face when you just left. You didn't know where you were going, but it seemed better than where you were-with me.

Can't we comprimise or make an amalgamation? I want to work this out. I...don't want to lose you. I believe in you. And you should know as well as I do that I might have been your only advocate for a long while there. I know you're good; our friendship is not based around pity.

I promised you that I'd be there too. Maybe it's banal, to promise anymore, but I still did. I want to hold out that promise. Without friendship though, it turns me into a stalker...and that's not really awkward at all, is it? And yes, this is all a little ambiguous, but I'm trying to reach out to you! I'm trying to articulate my voice and say that I LOVE YOU! And I cannot bear to lose you as a friend. I never thought you were this important.

Even though I was an advocate, I knew I was a little antagonistic sometimes. Through all those times I wouldn't speak to you, I just didn't have words to say. I couldn't think of how to address the problem, so I basically ran away from it. But I am done running; I'm here to stay.

Saralynn told me straight out that we could not be friends anymore. Personally, I could not tell you if it alleviated the pain at all. I was still broken up inside, still hurt. But, I guess, blunt it best. Can't this be easier? I'm not tryong to adulterate our friendship here, but can't we try and work this out? Give it another go? I'm your friend, and that should be a god damn axiom.

Remember how long we have known each other. All the times we have shared. Every memory and every moment. Our friendship now is archaic, it's developed by our past, just like we are. Every day changes us more and more; we grow and mature. I want us to grow together though, like two heads of broccoli. I'd rather us be analogous than nothing at all. Even though that was already slightly, okay majorly, implied.

You've affected my life, though. I hate to admit it, but it's true. You made my heart skip beats and made me do stupid, crazy, girly things. I'll never forget that. Maybe I seem austere now, but I'm not. Someday, maybe you'll make me that same girl I was in ninth grade. But up until that acme, we should stay friends.

You're aesthetic, did you know? To me, at least. I see you with arbitrating eyes, completely unbais. Do you see me the same? Or, have I mistakenly crossed the borderline?

Christ, I feel audacious and irregularly bombastic, but this is how I feel. The only way I can even begin to think of how to tell you how important this friendship is to me. And I'm not sure if you fully comprehend, but I want you to know that you are muy importante para mi. Those are my arbitrary feelings. I'm sorry if I offended you.

Maybe this will only be an abeyance...

'Where is my amulet
to ward this evil off my back?
This pain destoys me.
I close my mind,
shut out this world.
Spinning, I can only see you.
Don't leave this.
Don't leave me.'