June 11, 2013

All I wanted was for someone to tell me it was okay to sleep with the lights off...

I think that if I could do life over, with the knowledge I have now, that my favorite memories would be the ones that didn't happen.
I'd go to prom with my now husband. We'd have the big expensive wedding we always saved for. We'd take smooth rides to California and stay for longer. I'd get a job asap, even if it sucked.
So many things I'd change...

All I wanted was for you to stay with me. I need you sometimes.
But you can never seem to tell me the truth.
And here I am again, drowning in a sea of loneliness and abandonment.

Either way I guess.

'Crystal blue waters.
Clear. Open. Warm. Calm.
Brushes the ankles of her onlookers.
Blesses lovers in her wake.
Rocks an angered soul.
Helps a broken friend.
Opens her heart to all who will adore her.
And all who will not'

EDIT: "Does it feel like a trial? Does it trouble your mind the way you trouble mine?"

April 14, 2013

It all started with a whiskey sour...

"This is the moment that you know, 
that you told her that you love her but you don't."
[I'm holding his both his hands. I look up at him, and then down at the gray carpet, then back to the judge as he reads our vows. He talks about the promises and compromises of marriage and how wonderful our life together will be. I'm smiling so much that I feel like I can't breath, and I have to hold back nervous laughter. You squeeze my hands reassuringly, telling me that you love me and that you're glad we can be together forever.]
"You touch her skin and then you think,
that she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me."
[I turn over in bed. Lying there, tired, but struggling to stay awake and watch the events of the night play out. I'm staring at the wall, my heart pounding with rage. I can hear them both, breathing. It's the fact that he's lying there between us, with his arms around us both].

"I spent two weeks in Silverlake.
The California sun cascading down my face."
[After we parked the car, I was so excited to get out the beach. I pulled off my sandals and we walked down to the shore. As afraid as I was of the water, it was so good to feel the sun on my face and the sand in my toes. I curled my toes around the ground and took a deep breath, absorbing the wonderful feeling of that moment. The smell of the salty air, the laughter of the children in the background, the chill of the waves brushing against my ankles. And him, holding my hand and looking right back at me as we walked down the shore, staring out at miles of waves.]
"There was a girl with light brown strings,
and she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me."
[He offered to grab us a couple glass of wine as we settled into bed to watch a movie. We laughed, the day had been good and we were excited to finally be calming down the evening. He hands us each a glass and sets his down as he starts the movie. He gets into bed between us, putting his arms us.]

"Wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
as we moved together in the dark"
[After the film, him and I walked out to the kitchen and he looked at me as if to say, 'Do you want to?' I knew what he was thinking. He's got two girls in his bed. I looked back at him, shaking my head and thinking of a thousand reasons that no was a proper response. I told him that she wouldn't want to; that she'd had bad experiences like that before. He did not seem deterred. He asked me if I would be into it.]
"And all the friends that I was telling,
and all the playful mis-spellings,
and every bite I gave you left a mark."
[I can picture him bragging. I can see him drinking with his friends at a party and tell them the story of how he almost had a threesome. How he fell asleep with two girls in his bed. And people will say, 'And your wife was okay with this?' And he'll proudly respond, 'Yeah, she was part of it.' Like everything was fun and laughter. That his achievement of getting some girls drunk made him such a man.]

"Tiny vessels oozed into your neck,
and formed the bruises
that you said you didn't want to fade,
but they did and so did I that day."
[It was getting late. I was exhausted. I had taken out my contacts and was finally ready to fall asleep and be upset the next few days. As things are quieting down, he doesn't offer her the other bedroom. He doesn't ask her if she needs a blanket for the couch. I almost gasp as the words, 'Would it be awkward if I slept in my boxers?' slipped out his mouth. My heart beat slow as it broke into a hundred pieces.]

"And all I see are dark grey clouds,
in the distance moving closer with every hour.
So, when you ask, 'Is something wrong?'
That I think, 'You're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now.'"
[This morning he rolled over and kissed me in bed. He tried to hold my hand when I drive home. He told me he loved me a hundred times this morning. And I told him I loved him too. But I don't even want to look him in the eyes with the knowledge that he'd rather fuck some other girl or get us drunk and try to take advantage of us.]

"So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more.
But it was vile, and it was cheap,
and you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me."

'Moving forward so quickly,
pedaling faster and faster.
His parents cheer for his new achievement.
faces peek out the windows seeing him race
he moves faster and faster
the hill caresses him downwards
faster, faster, faster, 
speeds pulling him down
he falls'

April 7th of Twenty Thirteen

I think I'll finally be seeing a doctor soon.

Beyond that, I've been having a lot of homicidal fantasies lately. I want you to know, that I'm coming for you. Someday, I will make you suffer like I suffer everyday and I'll make it look like I was never there, you bastard.
I am above you.

Let's see: What's going on in life ahora.

Well, I'm married and that's going well. Wish I could get the fucking wedding photos (but hey, that's life). My car has been overheating, but it's doing better now. My dad's car is in the shop, so I'm taking him to work tomorrow.

School is going badly, but hell, it's that point in the semester where it's difficult to give a fuck.

Job hunt is going well and the hubby is working in a lab at school.

Man, I'm realizing that I honestly don't have anything to say.

WELL.
Let me emphasize one little thing that I think people should hear:
I am happy today and life is good. Nothing is wrong. 
I feel like I just don't get to write that enough.

'Drift gently through the wind, 
follow down the road, 
watch the others get blown away,
as you grab me close and hold'

February 27, 2013

How to Get Married in Seven Days:
Getting eloped can sometimes be as stressful (or more!) as having a regular grand wedding. Here's a short guide to
HOW I GOT MARRIED IN SEVEN DAYS. (Yes, world, I'm married!)

Step One: Funds
Weddings are never really cheap, unless you're not going to have a dress or wedding bands or a place to get married. Which leaves you with the $80 dollar court ceremony and a $72 wedding license fee (at least in my state). But, obviously, I wanted the bands and the dress and the veil and my hair done (et cetera) because I'm a girl.
So, funds.
It took us just about $2000 for the full ceremony, in court. You'll need at least that much, but you can chose less because I splurged on hair and rush alterations and dry cleaning.

Step Two: Alterations/Dry Cleaning.
On Wednesday, my then-fiancee and I ran around town in order to find somewhere that could help us out.
For his suit, we took it to (of course) Men's Wearhouse, where they told us we'd have to have it dry cleaned before they could alter it. So, we ran to a cleaner's and they told us Monday ($10).
For my dress, I took it into a local shop. By Monday, and taking out a dress (that was given to me), they were not pleased with the rush. But they scheduled me for my first fitting that Friday.

If you don't have a dress or suit, I recommend setting a budget for that. There are a lot of discount bridal stores and tuxedo shops around. I also recommend trying to find a dress that is a standard white white (not off white or ivory) because it is the easiest to match in a rush.

My vintage dress was a bitch to try to find the colors for and I still don't think they matched.

Step Three: Bands
When looking for bands within the week, you will not have time to order or engrave. Let's hope that you wear an integer ring size too. Go to your regular jeweler, try to stick with where you bought your engagement ring, and find bands and buy them. This can get pricey depending on what size and carat you're looking for.
But once you find your stock, buy them ASAP. Better to have them now, instead of waiting til the weekend to buy and have them be gone.

Step Four: The License
You'll have to look up where to get the license, since you can only get them from certain courts. There is normally a wait and in many states it requires a blood test, which may take a few days. Also, know what your social is. Without it, you can't get your license.

Step Five: The Judge
My husband and I chose to get married in court because it was the cheapest and fastest. The courthouse can give you a list of Justice of the Peaces (who normally marry) or you might be able to request a particular judge if you know them, but those can take longer to schedule.
We called around our area and found a judge who would marry us on Monday, and we set the date.

Step Six: Accessories
This means, the usual stuff, a veil, shoes, a vest and tie, cuff links, et cetera.
Most bridal stores will carry a wide array of what you'll need. For shoes, we actually found better prices and options at the mall. Hair accessories are typically cheaper than veils and prettier for other occasions

Step Seven: Hair+Makeup
I actually used weddingwire to find good hair and makeup places. I just left my phone number with the request that they call me as soon as they could, and when we did, we got everything scheduled.

Step Eight: Witnesses
Any witness must be over eighteen, and in my state you needed two. Obviously, parents work well for this one, but my husband chose his best friend and I chose a girl friend of mine who I had been volunteering with.

Step Nine: Fittings
Go back and get your stuff altered. It's pretty self-explanatory. After this step, I had to find a cleaner who would do my dress in two days.

Step Ten: Hotel
Local hotels for Monday nights have pretty good rates. I recommend using hotels.com to find hotels and pricing in your area, and then going to the hotel's actual website (which usually guarantees the lowest prices).
Remember to ask for AAA and wedding night discounts or packages. Sometimes hotels offer wedding packages that come with champagne and strawberries.

Step Eleven: Be Merry
and get married.
I had tons of check-lists including what I needed for the wedding night (and school the next day), and what I needed to take to the wedding (bands, license, my earrings, lotion, lip balm, breath mints, facial tissues, etc.).

Mainly, just smile for all your pictures and remember to brush your teeth before you leave home!

My story:
Alex and I were married on Monday night (February 25th) at 5:00. We had a fifteen minute ceremony followed by pictures outside the courthouse and dinner at Buca di Beppo.

Reception plans (for summer) to follow!

From the newlywedded Mrs.Grey~~~

December 10, 2012

I'm starting to wonder if my life is supposed to be this way.
Not that I mind it so much, I'm just wondering if that's how it is.

Maybe I should start over. Long ago, years and years ago, I decided to stop caring about certain aspects. You know, like what to make for dinner or where to go to hang out. Honestly, I could care less about those sorts of things but when I decided to stop inputting my opinion it was mainly due to the fact that people were getting annoyed with my ideas. So, I became apathetic about general things in life. No biggie.

Last year, I decided to submit on a more person level. To say the least, in bed. Now, when I told this to my then-boyfriend-now-fiance, I meant for only in bed. The roughness, the degrading stuff, should  all be kept in private and only used during appropriate times.

Now, I'm used to taking a lot of crap. I dated a guy who psychologically abused me for over a year. I dealt. But this, is different.

It hurts. Physically. I remember shutting down with my ex, taking whatever had to be said, whatever was done. But this is different. It's spreading to real life. And I can't stop it.

I try to be serious and I get my hair pulled, or bitten, or worse.

Nothing like slaps or punches, but I find myself shutting down all over again. I can't think that's healthy.

I'm laying there and taking my life all over again.

"I realize now that it is almost impossible to be submissive and be respected."

December 6, 2012

Well, it certainly has been quite awhile.

My fiance and I are still engaged. But, that's where the problem that I don't understand arises. So, I figure, where better to try and figure it out than on the internet where everyone can judge me. Right?

We hang out everyday, so when I called and he said, "Can you come over later? I'm going bowling with ______." I was hurt. It isn't that I don't want him to spend time with his friends or that I thought he didn't want to spend time with me, but that he had made these plans, clearly set plans, and he didn't even bother to tell me. I give him every small detail of my plans, but apparently a notification that the plans we had were cancelled just couldn't come until the last minute.

It hurts. Maybe it's because I'm needy, maybe it's because he betrayed me. Either way, I'm upset. But, I can't figure out how either. When I'm sad about him, it's "Sad Lisa" all the time, but I don't feel sad. I don't feel 'hurt'. I feel more anger than sadness. More upset that our plans mean so little to him.

But anger fades, does it not? It's been over a day between us and I haven't said anything to him. This is probably the longest I've ever not said a word to him. It feels weird. I'm not even wearing my ring. I want to cry, but I want to punch things. I want to make up, but I think about how mad he made me and what he did and I avoid him more and more. It kills me inside to know how little I must mean to him if he makes plans over ours and doesn't do me the courtesy of even letting me know.

Couldn't he just care enough to tell me?

And more than that, he texts me, out of the blue saying, "____, I need you to be pick me up." And I'm like, "Why?"
And he says, "Because ex-friend who wants to fight me is here."
So, I call, and say, "Where are you?"
And he replies, "Nevermind, everything is fine." Fine. FINE. FINE?! Somehow, everything is just daisies and lollipops after you blocked this guy on facebook and forced me to do the same. FINE. And I have to be the Prince and run out the door and save you only to find out the Dragon is cool and everything is FINE.
Well, fine to you as well.

UGH. I am still so mad.

He stopped doing the constant calling thing at least, but I am actually surprised he hasn't found his way to my door yet. You'd figure it was crisis enough to get a ride. (The transmission in his car is broken. Lovely, right?)

He's been texting me. At noon, he apologized fiercely for everything saying how sorry he was, how it was all his fault, how guilty he felt. I had no reply. I don't know. I just don't feel the urge to reach out to him.

BUT HERE HE GOES. "Either talk to me, or I'm going to ride my bike over to your house." He lives, like nine miles from me guys. It's nighttime. I have to reply. I'm telling him not to come over. For his safety. And, you know,  I don't want to see him right now. I'm going to go to bed.
Updates:
"Don't come over" -Me
"Then keep texting me."- Him
"No."
"now because I miss you and it feels like I'm dying inside." I'm sorry, what?
He's playing the pity card. I'm not biting.
"We're supposed to be married, have you forgotten?" I don't know, have I? I do remember, I got a magazine in the mail today. But, for the first time, I didn't want to look at it. I didn't want to look at dresses, or venues, or florists. I didn't want to think about saying my vows. I don't want to think about him at all.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
I just feel so upset. I can't stand it. I can't look my brother in the eyes anymore that he's taken up drugs. My fiance wouldn't support me when I wanted to face my suicidal years at a the Out of The Darkness Walk (a suicide walk). I feel like everything I know is falling apart and all I can do is sit here and write and hope that you see it.
I love you so much. I just hate that I feel like you're not there for me. I'm falling to pieces and you're just watching.
Don't you understand I cry myself to sleep because I hate my siblings? Do you know I'm almost failing chemistry?

Does anyone know?

September 29, 2012

I always hate starting like this, but let me catch up...
(Oh, God, where to start)

I redid my room! It's pink now. I'll  have to put pictures  up when it's finally done, but let me tell you-it is ADORABLE.

Also, I am  currently typing with a roll-up keyboard because sometime during college last year I overheated my laptop so bad that I messed up the keyboard signalling. Also, I hate this roll-up keyboard; it's too squishy.

I got my lady rainicorn tattoo touched up today. It looks so much more vibrant (I will also post pics when it looks better). I seriously love this tattoo though. It's such a fun, cute anklet. I'm really glad I got it.
Honestly, it was really hard for me to pick what I wanted on my ankle, because I wanted it to mean more than what it just was. Lady is more than just her character (fun and loving), she is Jake's girlfriend. She is love, she is in the endless TV relationship (and now they're pregnant). I wanted (and have) that. I needed something that was me in character form. Since I use to cut my ankles (so no one would see), I wanted a tattoo that represented what stopped that: love. Lady Rainicorn=love.

Also, I'm starting to realize how much weight I've put on, and how much I'm losing. A 1200 calorie diet feels like nothing and I lost 4 pounds this week. :)

Also, we pushed the wedding back to save up more, so here's the new official date: JANUARY 11, 2015.

And, Tekkit is confusing.

Night!