Sometimes I debate whether I could stay, inconspicuously around...But I couldn't do it. He deserves it for me to be respectful of his wishes. But it's so hard to stay away.
I hate myself, especially.
My room smells like spruce. I miss him so desperately.
Sometimes, I wonder what he's doing. I don't know when he works anymore. I just lie around and think about it, nowadays. Is he reading reddit? Playing games? Maybe he's on vent? Is he eating? When does he work today? Most of all, I wonder if he wonders about me. I wonder if he's already transitioned into hating me, or if just maybe, he misses me as much as I miss him.
I regret everything so much. More than ever before. Why. Why. Why.
He always wanted me to post about him to remember how amazing he was. Hey, love, I haven't read a single one of those posts. I will never forget how amazing you are, were, and will always be.
And, just for curiosity's sake, I decided to do some research.
I have made 44 posts about him (or with him mentioned in it) in total.
Twenty-six of them were good. Eighteen were bad. (But that number includes me being sad about something involving you).
Posts:
Nov. 24, 2011
Nov. 22, 2011
Oct. 16, 2011
Oct. 15, 2o11
Oct. 10, 2011
Oct. 7, 2011
Sept. 27, 2011
Sept. 22, 2011
Sept. 19, 2011
Sept. 10, 2011
Sept. 6, 2011
Sept. 2, 2011
Aug. 28, 2011
Aug. 23, 2011
Aug. 22, 2011
Aug. 13, 2011
Aug. 10, 2011
Aug. 9, 2011
Aug. 1, 2011
July 18, 2011
July 13, 2011
July 7, 2011
July 5, 2011
June 22, 2011
June 14, 2011
May 30, 2011
May 28, 2011
May 17, 2011
May 16, 2011
April 25, 2011
Mar. 26, 2011
Feb. 17, 2011
Feb. 1, 2011
Jan. 20, 2011
Jan. 16, 2011
Jan. 11, 2011
Dec. 27, 2010
Dec. 20, 2010
Dec. 5, 2010
Nov. 4, 2010
Oct. 24, 2010
Sept. 20, 2010
Sept. 19, 2010
Sept. 7, 2010
Let me read you some of my favorite texts, the ones I've been fawning over while crying:
Nov. 3, 2011: "I'm pretty sure my love for you will only grow and blossom and never die. Like weeds. Our love is like weeds. It started out of no where, but no matter what other people try to do, they can't kill it. And we never go away." -Me
Oct. 20, 2011: "I go to bed holding a pillow I wish was you. I brag about you to all my friends and day dream about you all through class. I wait for the moment you wake up in the morning. I get cravings to hear your voice. I am so in love with you. I can't even imagine who I would be without everything you've shown me or given to me You are the most amazing boyfriend that it is possible to have." -Me
Oct. 16, 2011: "I'm pregnant. It's a beautiful baby property." -Him
Oct. 10, 2011: "I love you. Save this." -Him
June 24, 2011: "I'm still in love with you." -Him
April 19, 2011: "You're silly. I love that." -Me
Feb. 10, 2011: "Hey baby. Are you star trek? Because I watch you every night in the darkness." -Him
Nov. 30, 2010: "She's beautiful, graceful, sweet, not to mention ______ _________. I only met her recently but I've already fallen for her." -Him
Sept. 7, 2010: "I've saved you in my address book as 'relentless.' You are incredible." -Him
Dear anyone,
I will never recover from this fault. I, however, will never accept that I cannot have him back. I will love him forever. I will never forgive myself. I debate every day to follow him, to meet him, to call him. (I'm sure he knows I couldn't delete his phone number, but I still have it memorized).
I will never let go. I will cry until the day I die over this man. This man I so desperately loved. This man that I cannot stop loving. My heart will never grow back. I'm sure it stopped beating.
Someone wrote in my yearbook, "______, you may be the only girl who knows her place. >.> but you are prety fun and ___'s better half..."
I will never be his other half again.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY
If I can't have him, then my only wish is that he take me from this place. I'm sure he's got the anger to do it.
'The numbers,
words,
phrases,
everything.
Why.
I must let my other go.
I cannot stop loving my true.
A man I can never speak to again
Where can I start again?'
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