I'm starting to wonder if my life is supposed to be this way.
Not that I mind it so much, I'm just wondering if that's how it is.
Maybe I should start over. Long ago, years and years ago, I decided to stop caring about certain aspects. You know, like what to make for dinner or where to go to hang out. Honestly, I could care less about those sorts of things but when I decided to stop inputting my opinion it was mainly due to the fact that people were getting annoyed with my ideas. So, I became apathetic about general things in life. No biggie.
Last year, I decided to submit on a more person level. To say the least, in bed. Now, when I told this to my then-boyfriend-now-fiance, I meant for only in bed. The roughness, the degrading stuff, should all be kept in private and only used during appropriate times.
Now, I'm used to taking a lot of crap. I dated a guy who psychologically abused me for over a year. I dealt. But this, is different.
It hurts. Physically. I remember shutting down with my ex, taking whatever had to be said, whatever was done. But this is different. It's spreading to real life. And I can't stop it.
I try to be serious and I get my hair pulled, or bitten, or worse.
Nothing like slaps or punches, but I find myself shutting down all over again. I can't think that's healthy.
I'm laying there and taking my life all over again.
"I realize now that it is almost impossible to be submissive and be respected."
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