Thursday, December 6, 2012

December 6, 2012

Well, it certainly has been quite awhile.

My fiance and I are still engaged. But, that's where the problem that I don't understand arises. So, I figure, where better to try and figure it out than on the internet where everyone can judge me. Right?

We hang out everyday, so when I called and he said, "Can you come over later? I'm going bowling with ______." I was hurt. It isn't that I don't want him to spend time with his friends or that I thought he didn't want to spend time with me, but that he had made these plans, clearly set plans, and he didn't even bother to tell me. I give him every small detail of my plans, but apparently a notification that the plans we had were cancelled just couldn't come until the last minute.

It hurts. Maybe it's because I'm needy, maybe it's because he betrayed me. Either way, I'm upset. But, I can't figure out how either. When I'm sad about him, it's "Sad Lisa" all the time, but I don't feel sad. I don't feel 'hurt'. I feel more anger than sadness. More upset that our plans mean so little to him.

But anger fades, does it not? It's been over a day between us and I haven't said anything to him. This is probably the longest I've ever not said a word to him. It feels weird. I'm not even wearing my ring. I want to cry, but I want to punch things. I want to make up, but I think about how mad he made me and what he did and I avoid him more and more. It kills me inside to know how little I must mean to him if he makes plans over ours and doesn't do me the courtesy of even letting me know.

Couldn't he just care enough to tell me?

And more than that, he texts me, out of the blue saying, "____, I need you to be pick me up." And I'm like, "Why?"
And he says, "Because ex-friend who wants to fight me is here."
So, I call, and say, "Where are you?"
And he replies, "Nevermind, everything is fine." Fine. FINE. FINE?! Somehow, everything is just daisies and lollipops after you blocked this guy on facebook and forced me to do the same. FINE. And I have to be the Prince and run out the door and save you only to find out the Dragon is cool and everything is FINE.
Well, fine to you as well.

UGH. I am still so mad.

He stopped doing the constant calling thing at least, but I am actually surprised he hasn't found his way to my door yet. You'd figure it was crisis enough to get a ride. (The transmission in his car is broken. Lovely, right?)

He's been texting me. At noon, he apologized fiercely for everything saying how sorry he was, how it was all his fault, how guilty he felt. I had no reply. I don't know. I just don't feel the urge to reach out to him.

BUT HERE HE GOES. "Either talk to me, or I'm going to ride my bike over to your house." He lives, like nine miles from me guys. It's nighttime. I have to reply. I'm telling him not to come over. For his safety. And, you know,  I don't want to see him right now. I'm going to go to bed.
Updates:
"Don't come over" -Me
"Then keep texting me."- Him
"No."
"now because I miss you and it feels like I'm dying inside." I'm sorry, what?
He's playing the pity card. I'm not biting.
"We're supposed to be married, have you forgotten?" I don't know, have I? I do remember, I got a magazine in the mail today. But, for the first time, I didn't want to look at it. I didn't want to look at dresses, or venues, or florists. I didn't want to think about saying my vows. I don't want to think about him at all.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
I just feel so upset. I can't stand it. I can't look my brother in the eyes anymore that he's taken up drugs. My fiance wouldn't support me when I wanted to face my suicidal years at a the Out of The Darkness Walk (a suicide walk). I feel like everything I know is falling apart and all I can do is sit here and write and hope that you see it.
I love you so much. I just hate that I feel like you're not there for me. I'm falling to pieces and you're just watching.
Don't you understand I cry myself to sleep because I hate my siblings? Do you know I'm almost failing chemistry?

Does anyone know?

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