Sunday, April 14, 2013

April 14, 2013

It all started with a whiskey sour...

"This is the moment that you know, 
that you told her that you love her but you don't."
[I'm holding his both his hands. I look up at him, and then down at the gray carpet, then back to the judge as he reads our vows. He talks about the promises and compromises of marriage and how wonderful our life together will be. I'm smiling so much that I feel like I can't breath, and I have to hold back nervous laughter. You squeeze my hands reassuringly, telling me that you love me and that you're glad we can be together forever.]
"You touch her skin and then you think,
that she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me."
[I turn over in bed. Lying there, tired, but struggling to stay awake and watch the events of the night play out. I'm staring at the wall, my heart pounding with rage. I can hear them both, breathing. It's the fact that he's lying there between us, with his arms around us both].

"I spent two weeks in Silverlake.
The California sun cascading down my face."
[After we parked the car, I was so excited to get out the beach. I pulled off my sandals and we walked down to the shore. As afraid as I was of the water, it was so good to feel the sun on my face and the sand in my toes. I curled my toes around the ground and took a deep breath, absorbing the wonderful feeling of that moment. The smell of the salty air, the laughter of the children in the background, the chill of the waves brushing against my ankles. And him, holding my hand and looking right back at me as we walked down the shore, staring out at miles of waves.]
"There was a girl with light brown strings,
and she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me."
[He offered to grab us a couple glass of wine as we settled into bed to watch a movie. We laughed, the day had been good and we were excited to finally be calming down the evening. He hands us each a glass and sets his down as he starts the movie. He gets into bed between us, putting his arms us.]

"Wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
as we moved together in the dark"
[After the film, him and I walked out to the kitchen and he looked at me as if to say, 'Do you want to?' I knew what he was thinking. He's got two girls in his bed. I looked back at him, shaking my head and thinking of a thousand reasons that no was a proper response. I told him that she wouldn't want to; that she'd had bad experiences like that before. He did not seem deterred. He asked me if I would be into it.]
"And all the friends that I was telling,
and all the playful mis-spellings,
and every bite I gave you left a mark."
[I can picture him bragging. I can see him drinking with his friends at a party and tell them the story of how he almost had a threesome. How he fell asleep with two girls in his bed. And people will say, 'And your wife was okay with this?' And he'll proudly respond, 'Yeah, she was part of it.' Like everything was fun and laughter. That his achievement of getting some girls drunk made him such a man.]

"Tiny vessels oozed into your neck,
and formed the bruises
that you said you didn't want to fade,
but they did and so did I that day."
[It was getting late. I was exhausted. I had taken out my contacts and was finally ready to fall asleep and be upset the next few days. As things are quieting down, he doesn't offer her the other bedroom. He doesn't ask her if she needs a blanket for the couch. I almost gasp as the words, 'Would it be awkward if I slept in my boxers?' slipped out his mouth. My heart beat slow as it broke into a hundred pieces.]

"And all I see are dark grey clouds,
in the distance moving closer with every hour.
So, when you ask, 'Is something wrong?'
That I think, 'You're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now.'"
[This morning he rolled over and kissed me in bed. He tried to hold my hand when I drive home. He told me he loved me a hundred times this morning. And I told him I loved him too. But I don't even want to look him in the eyes with the knowledge that he'd rather fuck some other girl or get us drunk and try to take advantage of us.]

"So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more.
But it was vile, and it was cheap,
and you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.
"

'Moving forward so quickly,
pedaling faster and faster.
His parents cheer for his new achievement.
faces peek out the windows seeing him race
he moves faster and faster
the hill caresses him downwards
faster, faster, faster, 
speeds pulling him down
he falls'

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