The phrase "no regrets, just love" has never been fitting for my life, and still isn't now. In fact, it's probably the exact opposite. I regret a lot of things, including that moment where I threw it all away. Furthermore, I don't love. There wasn't love involved here. Has there ever been? It must have been just a crush.
I think that moment was long ago. I think it was that moment when I looked into his eyes and wanted him to be mine. More than just to hold, but to have him be something in my life that represented something. It's that feeling that has been hard to let go of.
Tonight I said the word disappointed. I meant it in it's easiest interpreted form, self-disappointment with a touch of regret. Everyone knows that feeling of 'I know I messed up and hurt people around me.' However, my disappointment stretches beyond that. My regret goes to even saying that I miss him and that he'll be hard to get over. Everything I do reminds me of him: songs, computers, my friends, and so much more. I think I keep doing things that remind me of him because maybe I'll get over him faster. That's what has to happen here, I suppose. I stop talking to him, I get over him, and I get the broken amount of trust, I deserve, back.
I wish it were so simple. Even though I am going to do everything to earn back that sacred trust, to have him kiss me again someday, it still hurts. I go home and cry sometimes thinking about him. The worst part is that I know he's hurting too. Sometimes I wonder why I hurt him and myself, but I know it's for the best. I hope it's for the best. (I will doubt myself until things are resolved). It was a bad concept and a bad thing.
But I miss him. -I bite my lip and look away, hoping to deny everything so far-
On a more normal note, I found a flash drive that my older computer (with all of my iTunes music) recognizes. So, I spent a couple hours yesterday, I suppose it is, transferring files from one computer to the one I've been using. (I guess it'll change with this computer I got yesterday!) :D
So, Jason Mraz...I forgot how AMAZING his music was. Right now "Live High" is stuck in my head. I heard it on the way home.
I am grateful for the chances I've received, the friends who care for me, and the family that wants the best for me and trusts me.
'Estridol and night hours.
Early mornings with medication.
Clash, with the morning songs of the birds,
come the annoyed sounds of humanity,
as we despise what makes us great,
instead of
embracing
it.
Drawers with secrets hidden away,
blood dripping down a broken heart.
Only matching the
clearer, salt solution
down her philtrum.'
No comments:
Post a Comment