Morning of One Liepa of Twenty Eleven

"She is sad about something. It doesn't matter what it is. The world is dark and dismal, and there's no hope that anything will change. Life is real, Life is earnest, Life is serious, Life is monotonous-and Life is certainly negative. She's a Taurus girl, indulging herself in a rare, but ever-so-deep and blue, binge of futility.
"Along comes a Libra man. He sits quietly next to her, takes her hand gently in his own, and looks at her softly, in silence, after offering her his large, clean handkerchief. She continues to frown, in abject misery. Men! Men are part of what's wrong with everything. And here's another one of them, trying to feed her a line so he can seduce her. But wait. This one isn't saying a word. He's just sitting there near her, very near.....peacefully pouring calm all over her, like olive oil-and gazing at her with....is it adoration? Whatever it is, it's romantic. Then, after a long while, he speaks.
"'Never mind, darling. You'll feel better tomorrow.' His voice is like creamy-smooth caramel candy-and oh, how she loves creamy-smooth caramel candy! (So does he, although it's very bad for both of them.) But even this doesn't cheer her. No. Life is real, Life is dull, Life is a great big nothing. Life is a put-on and a put-down. Both.
"'No, I won't feel better tomorrow. I won't. I won't. I won't.'
"Libra speaks again, still sweetly. 'You're so beautiful when you're sad. Tears make your eyes sparkle like green emeralds. If it didn't break my heart to know you're unhappy, I'd like to see tears in them all the time. Let's see how they look when you laugh.'
"Life is real. Life is-well, Life is getting more interesting. But-'No, I can't laugh. I want to, but I can't. I simply can't.'
"'You must. Darling, if you believe long enough, and deeply enough, all good things will come to pass. Not a single dream you ever dreamed will fail to come true, if you keep your emotional balance and look at the bright side.' Now, he smiles. A Libra smile is a deadly weapon that should be outlawed, so Libra men could never use it to take advantage of poor Taurus girls, who melt into squidgy fudge ripples when they're shown affection-and are truly appreciated. But so far, they haven't been outlawed. So...he smiles.
"'Tomorrow will be better. It really will. You'll see.'
"'No, it won't. I want it to be better, but I just know it won't.'
"Then he kisses her. It will."

Goodman, Linda. Love Signs: A New Approach to the Human Heart. 1978, New York City, New York. Ballantine Books.
Best horoscope story ever? I think so. -squee-

Even though I hate her, Rihanna's got me wondering...if she's actually into S&M. I mean, people can sing songs about anything (a perfect example being another one of her songs where she gets chained to a bed and lit on fire), but they don't actually do them. I'm not sure if it's just how taboo the concepts of sadism and masochism are that it shocks me into thinking, 'well, maybe...' or if it's so "out there" that it's possible she actually feels that way. I mean, come on, people, she's a complete whore and there's nothing wrong with having personal fetishes, why not? It just makes me wonder sometimes...If I ever meet Chris Brown, I'll just have to ask. Maybe that's why he hit her so much. "I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it."

I cried the other night out of fear. I don't think I have ever cried from pure fear before. It was funny because it's one of those "defining" moments, and I remember it quite clearly...I was lying on my left side, facing East, with the phone between my ear and the floor. My legs were rubbing against my rough, maroon carpet and I was listening to his voice stream through my awful mobile signal. He told me about how college would be. How I would get taken advantage of, and how people would hold me down and I couldn't get away. That there would be no respect. That these people would place themselves everywhere they could get, even places I didn't want. It was then that I realised that I was walking into a world I couldn't control, that wouldn't respect me, and that I would be just another girl in the crowd. It scared me. I sobbed softly as we finished the call. I lay on the floor for another hour, trying to block out the horrid visions of what I was willingly walking into. The thing is: I don't plan on getting drunk there, or partying there, or taking drugs, or really anything that would make me more vulnerable than a girl already is. Yet, the thought that no matter what I do, some man will always be stronger than me is completely...infuriating, really. The thought that a man would get say on my life and choices is disgusting. I spit on the thought. It's grimy and low. Men will never have say that like that. Not if I can help it. And on God, I swear, I will try my damnedest.

Willows whisper through the sky,
"what is a life built on a lie?"
And trouble comes throughout the talk,
of truth and cake and old school chalk.
"Where truth is not necessity,
we live out lives of true pity."
The woods nod and give consent,
a life without truth,
is a life ... with a dent.'

Morning of Twenty-Six of Birželis of Twenty Eleven

The phrase "no regrets, just love" has never been fitting for my life, and still isn't now. In fact, it's probably the exact opposite. I regret a lot of things, including that moment where I threw it all away. Furthermore, I don't love. There wasn't love involved here. Has there ever been? It must have been just a crush.

I think that moment was long ago. I think it was that moment when I looked into his eyes and wanted him to be mine. More than just to hold, but to have him be something in my life that represented something. It's that feeling that has been hard to let go of.

Tonight I said the word disappointed. I meant it in it's easiest interpreted form, self-disappointment with a touch of regret. Everyone knows that feeling of 'I know I messed up and hurt people around me.' However, my disappointment stretches beyond that. My regret goes to even saying that I miss him and that he'll be hard to get over. Everything I do reminds me of him: songs, computers, my friends, and so much more. I think I keep doing things that remind me of him because maybe I'll get over him faster. That's what has to happen here, I suppose. I stop talking to him, I get over him, and I get the broken amount of trust, I deserve, back.

I wish it were so simple. Even though I am going to do everything to earn back that sacred trust, to have him kiss me again someday, it still hurts. I go home and cry sometimes thinking about him. The worst part is that I know he's hurting too. Sometimes I wonder why I hurt him and myself, but I know it's for the best. I hope it's for the best. (I will doubt myself until things are resolved). It was a bad concept and a bad thing.

But I miss him. -I bite my lip and look away, hoping to deny everything so far-

On a more normal note, I found a flash drive that my older computer (with all of my iTunes music) recognizes. So, I spent a couple hours yesterday, I suppose it is, transferring files from one computer to the one I've been using. (I guess it'll change with this computer I got yesterday!) :D
So, Jason Mraz...I forgot how AMAZING his music was. Right now "Live High" is stuck in my head. I heard it on the way home.

I am grateful for the chances I've received, the friends who care for me, and the family that wants the best for me and trusts me.

'Estridol and night hours.
Early mornings with medication.
Clash, with the morning songs of the birds,
come the annoyed sounds of humanity,
as we despise what makes us great,
instead of
embracing
it.

Drawers with secrets hidden away,
blood dripping down a broken heart.
Only matching the
clearer, salt solution
down her philtrum.'

Twenty-Two of Birželis of Twenty Eleven

There are no words to express a broken heart. People use poetry, how long they cried, metaphors, comparisons to novels, and more. But I am not a stereotype. I refuse to say that it was a tragedy like "Romeo and Juliet," or that it was like having a heart collapse and you couldn't go on. Nope. I'm not retarded. All I can say is that I'm sad. I managed to be an adult, to hold it together until the end and be able to laugh and have hope for a friendship. I cried, yes, there was no doubt that it would happen; I cannot hold tears when it comes to him. But, I convinced myself to go to sleep and that if it was worth it, I could cry in the morning.

Yet. This is not what I want to say. All I want to say is that I want him back. I realised that as he was letting me go, I was ready to give it all up- to let everything go for him. But that's not what he wanted. He was tired of me and my friends, and it would be better for his life. I agreed with him, if he thinks it's better for his life, then he should do it. Even if it's not better for mine.

So, yeah, I'm hurt. Could anyone say I wasn't going to be? But no, unlike Bella from Twilight (hate acknowledging that as an actual book), I will not fall and sit around for months on end, waiting for him to come back. I will, following my construction road metaphor, pick myself up and brush the dirt of my outfit. Sure, I'll never be the same; there will always be some dirt in my hair. The point is that no matter what happens, I'll be okay. That's how humanity works-we move on and recover from downfalls.

So, goodbye. I guess. I hope our friendship can persist.

'Hedwig sings an ominous song,
covering the world in her fears.
Her death is tragic,
but recoverable.
Where does the Dark Lord go
to sing his way to history?'

Afternotes:
WBC (Westboro Baptist Church) wants to protest Jackass' infamous hero Ryan Dunn's funeral. Protest here:

Fourteen Birželis of Twenty Eleven

I haven't really been sure what to say. These past two weeks have probably been the oddest in my entire life.

I'm sure it's no consolation, but I was ready. I can't believe it either. After all these posts, all those words, every moment, and I was ready to walk away. Phone in hand, with my feet up against the laundry machine, I said those awful words: "I think we should take a break." Oh, no, I didn't really think that. I never did.

Necessity.

Or, was it?

I've been pondering this for the last twenty-five (or so) hours and I'm not really sure what to think of it. I guess as statements go it was a Freudian slip; maybe it was just guilt talking. It could have been pressure.

But that's not the point. I went, basically, no where. I cried a lot, and then I didn't cry at all. Ran two and a quarter miles, burned some calories, stayed together with my boyfriend.

I'm not ready to blog about this yet.
I want a Lenovo ThinkPad Edge 15 (0301.jdu) or a Lenovo ThinkPad L420 or L520.

'No italics on Facebook
or was it orange tags?
January fifth conflicting Recker.
Who's tired of bonzai and the Five-O
Where BC isn't before Christ?
I'm tired of rocking
back and forth.'

Thirty Gegužės of Twenty Eleven

No. This isn't how it is.

I picture waking up in his arms and smiling at him. Knowing that we "love" each other and that we trust each other. That commitment we've had for eight months and nineteen days. And sure, it seems like nothing, but it's a long time for a kid like me.
And sure, maybe that moment is just a fantasy, but why would I sacrifice the possibility?

It's funny, because when he left, I was thinking harder and longer about what I was feeling. Then I remembered the term, a crush. It's sick, it's wrong, I know. But it went away. It went away as I thought about what I had and what I would be giving up. All the tears that would have been wasted if I had just walked away. This, the comparable Emancipation Proclamation oh my heart, will state that I will not walk away from something so powerful that it hurts.

And then I stop...
Because I don't know what's going to happen. Because who knows if he'll freak out. If maybe he'll read this blog and leave me. Or, he'll pick someone to blame and ban him forever.
Maybe he'll just get mad at me again and tell me I'm worthless and walk away.

I guess I'd expect it

It was funny though. Sitting there debating society's intricacies of someone paying for something else, and I speak up, "The real question is, do you want it to?" It kind of shocked me how, for once, I was straightforward, confident, and ready to face the situation. (It honestly reminded me of the person who taught me to be that way). So, we talked. I spit it out for him. We went out and discussed it more, letting the awkwardness die. We agreed about our separate lives. Was it wrong? No. I did what needed to be done, and I did it like an adult.

"Head underwater, and you tell me to breathe easy for a while. Breathing gets harder, even I know that."

Can't stop listening to "Hallelujah" and "Overkill".

'Hyphens and lies,
almost tears and perfect moments.
Where is this going?
I'm Courage, and I live in the middle of
fucking nowhere.

Safety is love now
and trust is thrown away.
I'm not good enough.
And I never will be.

Goodnight, moon,
maybe in the morning,
we'll speak again.
Until then,
I miss you.'

Twenty-Eight Gegužės of Twenty Eleven

I knew there would be another day where this would come. This trick of heart and mistake of feelings. But now, I know it cannot be for no reason. It wouldn't have waited all this time if there wasn't a motive behind it. Today, I'm going to write to an answer.

Hypothesis One:
If I am afraid of him, and I feel that things will progressively get worse and I will not confront the situation and the issue, then the search will begin.
It makes sense. I'm really, truly afraid of this situation. I've been preparing for it since I was in eighth grade, but you never really suspect it will happen-not to you. (It happens, we hear stories, but not to us-not to me). And I know that I'm not one of the people who likes to confront conflict head-on, even though that is what needs to be done. Ever since I backed down the first time, I knew that I was sweeping this conflict under the rug. Right now, it's freaking me out a little, but it hasn't become escalated enough to be a real "problem." Maybe my real fear is that it will. And then what? I can't stop it unless I deal with it now, but...What if it doesn't get any worse and I'm just assuming?
So, I get worried and run away from my problems. Maybe the connection has been there all along, underlying things.

Hypothesis Two:
If I know that there is an end, and I do not want this end, then I will try to continue the same connection.
This can't be right. It makes sense when it comes to the past, but now it really isn't applicable. Because even if I switched it wouldn't change things because it is I who is walking away from the both of them.

Conflict.
The funny part is that yesterday as we lied together, we were both thinking the same thing, 'What does this mean?' Because we're both taken.


I chose this photo for my debit card:


'Broken heart cries mystery,
only love can truly be.
Relationship or location true-
Is it just an "I miss you"?
Tomorrow's just another day;
we'll come together and see the way.'

Seventeen Gegužės of Twenty Eleven

It's wrong for me to get the computer wet. My dad stresses so much about it. So, it's especially wrong for me to sit in front of the computer and cry.

And go to school and cry.

And come home and cry.

But, I'm okay.

Or, at least, that's what I tell them. Even though they're incompetent boys, I tell them I'm okay. (One of them even said they'd tell him, and I said, "Good luck getting him to care.") Maybe I'll be okay.

But I can't even eat.

How am I supposed to be online when I can't see the screen?

And how another days goes by where the reason I cried just a day before is different?

Now, I'm stupid, incompetent, an immature baby, a twit.

Not a word since; nothing's happened. But it's like a bad habit to log into facebook and see if he broke up with me. (He hasn't yet).

The most frustrating part is that I don't know why I'm so upset. Couples get into fights all the time. They scream, it each other, and throw plates-but they cry tears of fury, not pain.

Not anguish. I cry like I lost a child. What's wrong with me?

Maybe it's that everything reminds me of him. The way I can take compliments, Portal, the computer, anything to do with my friends, games, even my web browser. I come to school and look down at my desk and have to take everything just one breath at a time.

If I don't, who knows if I'll make it.

'in and out,

the breaths I don't want to take

in blue bath water.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead

Fate is inescapable,

mysterious.

Forgiveness is not what I plead,

but apology.'

Afterthought(s):

I figured it out:

• This is my sixty-ninth blog. (Thought it would have been a bit cheerier.)