I can't believe that it's already the last month of this year. It feels like it just flew by.
But everything is not okay.
I'm not really feeling any better, to tell the truth. I didn't think I would. It'll be two weeks in a couple days and I can't stand it. This feeling inside me is awful.
I wonder how much I could say to convince him to listen. To believe that I would do anything for him. Would he ever? (I couldn't blame him if he didn't). But I don't care about the rest now. It doesn't matter what happens to anyone else, including me. I would do anything for...another chance. As a child, it's all I can beg for. "One more chance! One more chance! One more chance!" He has the heart to deny me. ("...the only one who's got enough of me to break my heart"). He's right, though. I will never lie to that. In fact, I will never lie about it. He's always been right. He shouldn't have trusted me. I'm a bad person. I hurt him. I hurt myself too. I don't have reason for what I've done. But I would do anything to make it right.
He keeps telling me not to talk to him, but I find that neither of can let go. Or, can we? I don't want to make that assumption about him, and yet he sends me messages. Angry, yes, but still...they're something. Something that says he's still thinking about me. Something that says that if I try...maybe everything will be okay.
Maybe I'll stop crying.
The only thing I can do is focus on school, but I can't help pushing it away. All I want to do is hold him in my arms and give him everything I have to offer. I read his book like an obsessive and I fondle our memories like a pervert, but I can't let go. I can't.
Everything just hurts so bad.
He told me that the first step to getting better I already knew. Or, to quote directly, "you should know what the first step is to changing yourself for the better." It's going to be done. I've planned it out precisely. I've been trying to plan it out, but it's going to get done in two days. Just two.
I can't stand the ten days that is keeping me from you. Oh yes, I am coming. I will find you where you told me to and I will do anything to hear a word, a voice. Even to feel the touch of your hand hit my face. I don't care what it takes I need to see you again. I want to get better and I'm trying to make it right. You're the only guidance I have and the only hope in this desperation. I'm taking the steps. I'm trying to get better.
As I realized today, this is what's different. It's not okay. I'm not getting let off easy. I'm hurt and you are too (and that's only making it worse). I never wanted to hurt you. I've learned my lesson. I am ready to sacrifice my soul and every belief over to you. I'll never vote. I'll quit school and stay home and make sandwiches. I'll clean every speck of dust from your home. I'll clean your clothes, do the dishes, be at your beck and call for every need. I don't care what it takes. I don't care. I'm willing. I'm willing.
Ten days. Just ten. I am coming home and I am coming for you. I don't care if it takes hours of waiting and sitting and trying again. I'm home for a month and I will be there.
'Tired projects avoided
in desperation
Calls of hope
quiet
She sings her misery
Will anyone hear the tune?
No, not anyone
just her sweet sailor.
Will you hear the melody
of a Siren's call?'
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