I think back to that weekend. We were swimming and I missed him so much. I had him in my arms, but everything was gone between us. Like a barrier I couldn't break through. I remember how much I just wanted him to be mine, but how I couldn't have him. (Oh, my infinite mistakes). I would stare into his brown/green eyes, passion in my heart, regret in my glance. I don't understand how it happened; I don't think I started it. All I remember is that, suddenly, we were kissing. Everything I had wanted and it had happened. He touched his lips to mine, and in that moment, I knew that I would sacrifice everything to be his, to earn that trust. I know that he kissed me; of that I am sure. However, I wonder why he chose that moment. He's kissed me after that, but I wonder sometimes if he regrets that. Maybe he didn't mean to, but he doesn't want to stop. Yet, that really doesn't make sense. He cares about me, but it's not like he wouldn't hurt me for himself. He's far too important to put me first. (I'm not trying to make that sound rude, even though it's coming out that way; no, he is brilliant and he should put himself first). The point that I'm trying to make is that I could, literally, cry tears of joy thinking about that kiss.
"You'll wear white, and I'll wear out the words 'you're beautiful' and 'I love you'."
Then, I think about yesterday. In between A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back, he said the words, "I like you." I remember replying, "I like you too," but my heart was screaming LOVE LOVE LOVE. If I know anything about love, I think I'm in it. I know he is too, even if he won't say it to my face. I remember when out-of-the-blue he texted me and said, "I still love you." I have it saved, and I won't ever delete it. Why would I? I'm still in love with him.
He always says that I'm his, and even though I'm a feminist, I don't mind being property. Facebook can say what it wants and so can he, but everyone who understands thinks it practically a relationship.
Everything about this infuriates me! I want to rip things up, break things down, destroy and ruin. Because with every action I made, that's what I did anyways. I'm so angry! At everything dealing with that. I'm so mad at myself and my stupid choices. GOD DAMMIT, why couldn't I have a brain for just that moment?! Everything about it, him, makes me loathe him. FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK.
I took this picture two years ago, but it's freaking perfect for right now.
Applied for a job today. Hope all goes well with that!
'Three days
and eight days.
Timing is perfect.
Rolling hills of emotion and work,
forgiveness and laziness.'
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