Nineteen Liepa of Twenty Eleven

I wish I could revert back to my innocence. I'm sure that everyone wishes they could go back sometimes. I know that people miss the easy days of childhood being crayons, juice, recess, and nap time. Last night, I curled up in bed, fearing ghosts and people, and stuck my thumb in my mouth. I don't know why I did it, maybe I was trying to wipe away my fast-approaching adulthood. I think my first reaction was to be surprised how well it still fit. I remember my dentists telling me that my mouth was fitted to my thumb because I had sucked my thumb for so long. (I haven't sucked my thumb in years). Even though I was exhausted, I couldn't get past drifting to sleep with my thumb there. Maybe it's a metaphor for going back; there's no way I can do it. I mean, I can't escape my fate or my regrets by pretending to be someone I once was. In order to sleep, I had to remove my thumb and accept my actions.

I'm having trouble understand myself. Summer has only shown me what kind of girl I always hated, and yet I am her. I'm a lying, cheating, backstabbing, whore. Where did the girl with morals go? (I think I had more self-conservation when I was an atheist). I still can't figure out why, which is probably the most frustrating part. I know what's wrong and right to be doing, but I guess I've never had the strength to say no. And I mean, it makes sense. I've never been able to completely reject boys by straight up saying, "No." I've always been so evasive. Anyways, I'm off topic. I don't know why I did what I did. I used to flirt with guys to get their flattery, but I wasn't flirting here, I was falling. I did everything possible to dodge until I was tired of it. (It's funny, I was pretty insulted by what he said might have happened. I would never have done that.) I don't even like him.

I guess that's the next thing I have to point out is that I don't like anyone but him. I can't think about anyone that I would want to try to keep a relationship with him. I'm moving away for college, but I want to come home for him. I want him to hold my hand and look in my eyes. It's funny. When I drove away from his house, I said, "I love you" and even though he didn't say it back, it was alright. Because I said it in person and I god damn meant it. These last few months have only taught me how valuable he really is to me.

I think I'm going to top off my second love album tonight because I'm feeling feminine.

'Petals dance beneath her eyes,
revealing nineteen souls in question.
Omission is still a sin,
rapture never said.
Don't create my history
without me.'