I've been growing this urge to go shopping. I think it's mainly because I've recently come into some money, but I really do want to shop and buy clothes, because I haven't really bought anything in forever. (Okay, a few weeks ago I bought some shirts, a pair of shorts, and some socks, but it isn't filling my shopping desire).
Honestly, it should have. So maybe it's not actually a desire to shop, but maybe a desire to have someone want to go shopping with me. Well, no, that's not it either, I'm sure I could get some people to go. Oh...now I get it.
My desire to go shopping is actually a subliminal desire to have real friends. Recently, I've realised that I don't have friends, and I haven't for a while now. I mean, sure, these people I've gotten to know for the last semester of my life are important to me, and I call them my friends, but they aren't my real friends. I can't talk to them out-of-the-blue or invite them to parties I might host (like I'd ever host a party). They were just people I trusted and wanted to be my friends, but never really got there. Especially now, where all I am is what they hear, I've never been asked about what happened. Now I really know they aren't my friends.
But it's not just that. I haven't had a friend I could go shopping with in months. No, shopping is not aimlessly wandering around the mall saying, "where should we go?" "I don't care." It was one of the few things my sister and I really did together before she left. We would go everywhere. Charlotte Russe, Forever 21, Hot Topic, Pac Sun, everywhere. We tried on clothes, bought things, and shopped until we ran out of money. We pitied each other when things didn't come in our sizes and rejoiced when we found the perfect accessories. I even remember those long moments where I would ponder if I had anything that would match what I was trying to buy. But I don't have that anymore. Guys can say what they want about shopping and that they'd come along, but truthfully, I know they aren't interested in going out like that. They just want to spend time together, and that's not what shopping is about.
Shopping is about cute clothes.
That's why I'm so sad. It's really more like self-hatred, but it all feels the same. I've let go of the friends I could have kept up with, the females, that might have shopped with me...Wait, did I ever have any? The last time I remember shopping with a friend was when I was still friends with whining, complaining, bitch girl (and to tell you the truth, I never liked shopping with her anyways). Before that, it must've been one of my first best friends and before that, this girl who was my friend before I ratted her out for cheating. That was in eighth grade...four years ago. I haven't had real friends to shop with in, at least, six months.
This is why I miss her so much. That girl that moved away to California. We call each other, talk and laugh, like nothing ever changed. (We miss each other a lot more though). I bet you if I found a way to California, I could pick her up and we'd just go shopping. It would just happen, and we'd enjoy it.
I wish I still had friends like that; I guess it's time to start over.
'Broken plastic spoons over chatter,
the red sheets curled around your waist.
That touch of waiting and warm skin,
with pastel stickers from childhood.
You are the friends you keep,
and without them,
you are no one.'
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