Please, listen to Enya while reading this post:
July 26, 2011
I think I'm getting sick. Originally, it was more of a mental self-hatred; I would tear myself apart for my mistakes. There's already a word for that: guilt. Or, is it regret? That's not the point. It's spreading. It's making it hard for me to eat. I cry every time I think about it. I camp out, alone, wishing everything would be okay.Now, I'm faced with wondering whether it's jealousy or replacement. Maybe it's both. The feeling of being replaced is always tough; you know, it makes you feel pretty worthless. This is why I think it's replacement eating away at me. I try everything to make things better. However, there's only so much I can do. Everything I can't change, where I'm going, my age, my parents (and my respect for them),...it's like he's rubbing it in my face. "We got a bottle of wine..." What am I supposed to do? I can't change how old I am, no matter how much I wish I could. Yet, maybe it's jealousy-they're with him, soaking it up, enjoying his company...
I did this
I'm sure he feels better without me. I'm sure I said the same things when he broke up with me. (I can only try so hard to be an adult.) I just want him to be happy. If he thinks that his life is improved without me, then I don't want to be around. I'll let him go. There's no use hanging onto someone who's already gone.
"He's the only one who's got enough of me to break my heart"
Everyone makes mistakes. I happened to make a big mistake. Does that mean that every ounce of regret is worthless?
Here's the paragraph where I should rant about fighting to get him back and that no girl can replace me. You know, the part where I rant the immaturities: "Life's not fair!" But that's the thing, life is just as fair as it should be. I can't do anything here for a good reason: I'm not allowed to fight for something I don't deserve. Even I can't deny that. No one who knew what happened could.I really wish I could fight, though. I wouldn't like to know that this childish and immature love that I'm feeling (it's no adult love; I'm not an adult) is going to waste. I've done everything he asked. Told him the truth, kept him up-to-date, fight for my freedom, grow up lose all my friends. It's worth it. For his presence, his lectures, his knowledge, his advice-no, it would be worth it just for a moment of his time.
It's starting to scare me that I could lose him while I'm in college. Not the fact that I can't keep up, but the fact that he's already looking for my replacement. He said he was invested in me, that I was like a project (and I don't mind), but I can't stay if there's no flicker of light at the end of the tunnel that I could win him back. If some girl comes out of no where and stands in front of my light, I'm not going to push her out of the way or turn around and find a new tunnel. Nope. I'm going to sit right there and give up. Because what's the fucking point after that.
Still debating whether I have the heart to finish my surprise. We'll see, I suppose.
I found out yesterday that I'm no longer allergic to coconuts. I'm excited to eat them again.
Pushed away to different cities,
long drives for a loved one.
May I be blessed, Lord,
Or is it time to let the tide fade?'
-End Post-
I've got this new idea. I searched endlessly for the commercial that gave me the idea, but I search under the wrong brand name. I found it now. I nope mine can be any bit as good.
I'd like to reflect on my previous post. (The one above this). I remember that day quite clearly. It's funny how you can be so broken one day and in the next few you're singing like a bird in the Spring. I was really hurt by what was going on, but it's true that I don't get to fight it. I don't get the right. Also, I found out she kissed him. He told me, I played cool, told him I had to go take my contacts out and I'd call him back...I cried like a baby. She's taking him from me. He'll never find another cookie dough girl; I can count on that.
However, he certainly seems to have had a change of heart. Maybe it was just me being dramatic, or maybe he just really missed me today. Either way, I'm not really worried about this girl taking my place within the next few weeks. Let's just say that I've done the best thing I could for the time. Something done selfishly, but done innocently and based on faith in a piece of wood.
Who said there was anything wrong with believing in miracles? (Personally, it might be working.)
I've become strangely religious lately. God inspires such a mysterious grace in me; it's lovely. What's odd is that I want to give God my faith, my loyalty to Him and His Son. Yet, I still sin and don't plan to change some aspects of my life and operation. I believe in evolution, but I also believe that Adam and Eve existed. I believe in the Big Bang, but I also believe the God said, "Let there be light" and Chuck Norris said, "Only half a day." Either I am very mixed up inside and trying to sort it out with metaphoric scientific/religious debates or I think that the world had many processes to it's creation. Who cares anyways?
Here are some pictures I like!
Give us this day our wood,
with hope and tears inside.
A plastic bag of protein memories,
refusing to be thrown away.
Only so much of a princess grows,
as she hugs her unicorn plush.'
Afterthoughts:
Sometimes I wonder if he knew. I mean, it was so desperately obvious that I valued my other far before him. I texted in front of him, took his calls, and talked about him all the time. Why even try to pursue someone who put you second? Only an idiot would think that he was more important. I never fed him a lie about the way I felt about you. I've cried over you in front of him. Sometimes, I used to catch myself thinking about you while we hung out. He always knew.
It makes me disappointed to realize that he never cared.
Just like any other teenage boy, he only cared about getting what he wanted from me. He didn't care if there was anything in his way, or anyone for that matter. He didn't care what happened to me after that or what happened to anyone else who could have been effected. He came to score and he left.
It makes me disappointed to realize I let him get that far.
"Everything about him I hate. It secretly drives me crazy and makes me want to hit him. I want to tear him apart, limb for limb.
I hate the way he smells, the way he treats me,...MAINLY THE WAY HE DOESN'T GET IT. Stop poking me. Stop coming around. I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU.
I hate the way that all he wants is my body. All he cares about is himself and me helping him do that. He wants me as an accessory, a toy to brag about and carry around."
It took two days to feel this way. Two days after.
"At least you get that now. That's what would have happened with fuckface once he got what he wanted from you
He would have said anything to get it a few more times until he got bored or you started realizing he was a dumb faggot and wasn't any good
then he would have just tossed you aside and fucked around on you
Because if he's enough of a scumbag to want to fuck another guy's girlfriend, what kind of a goddamned blind idiot do you have to be to think he'll be loyal to YOU, when he can't even be loyal to a good friend?"
How much regret can one man take?
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