I remember waking up this morning, like most mornings with a prayer. I desperate plea to God to make things good today. God has graced me with so much. My intelligence, my family, the country I was blessed into. God even gave me the gift of beauty, but I suppose it has transformed itself into more of a sin for me.
Tonight, I asked him to give me the ability to accept my fate with open arms. Like Jesus (not literally) did when his Father told Him that He must die for the sins of the people. I walk into my reality understanding that this is the life that I have made with my decisions and actions. Yes, reality has pained me again and again and offered me a hopeless path that I refuse to stop following, but it is still the fate that I deserve. And I welcome it.
I might cry later tonight, it is debatable, but for now I refuse. I will handle this like an adult. I cannot refuse to be heartbroken, but I can refuse to act upset and bitchy like an immature teenager. I don't want to seem immature and I want to act like the adult I'm suppose to be. I think I've been holding myself together like an adult. I've been answering honestly and truthfully and maturely through all of this. I'm handling myself well. (That's good).
I'm trying to figure out if the above paragraphs are me trying to reassure myself.
It's getting really hard not to cry. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. Alright. Better.
I suppose I should start from the top. It's hard for someone to change. I guess I could say this about everything. Our country hasn't changed, even though Obama is in office. My personality certainly isn't going to change in an instant, and it's sad when people expect our country can do that. I have obviously made some major changes within the last eight months. Changes that make me question whether I'd recognize who I was before. Even now, I am developing and changing. I suppose it's easier for me to focus on the little things I've changed, like trying to say "alright" instead of "okay," because it's longer and somehow more meaningful. I've been trying to type out complete sentences and I regret each time I accidentally type "kk" into the computer instead of just "k." I look at all these little changes that I've made. I practically write my blog now for him to read because it's hard for me to be straightforward when I know he can respond at that instant. Sometimes I know he won't like something, and so I chose to face him in another matter. Not the point. I'm just trying to say that change doesn't come quickly, and I lost my chance by not coming quick enough. (One reason out of a billion).
Next I'm going to address what happened with him. My last friend. Someone who hurt me in ways I cannot explain and yet made me understand a situation I never thought possible. I suppose I'm only trying to senselessly justify to myself what happened that night. I've never been without friends before. I've always had one. One person I could be honest with, one person I could trust, one person who would share with me like I shared with them and they could trust me and we were friends. I thought he was that. Someone I loved platonically and he loved me too. I was mistaken. His demands may have been jokes, but I couldn't interpret it. His voice stayed the same throughout the call, he never said just kidding, or laughed. He seemed seriously. In that hour, I was afraid. I knew that whatever I did to appease him would be wrong, but if I didn't I might lose him forever. It was the reality of being friendless that ultimately lead me to my actions. No, I am not exempt because I could have (and should have) still denied, reasoning that a friendship like that wasn't a friendship I wanted. But I didn't have the heart to let my last friend go. The last shred of high school I had to hang onto. And so it was done. I appeased the jokes that weren't serious and fell to yet another mistake. However, I also did something I never though possible. I fixed it. I messaged him, explained myself, worked it out. We became friends again; we worked it out. I never could have considered doing that only a few months ago. I would have lived with regret. Another has taught me that you can move past your defaults.
That the most difficult phone call I've had in a long time.
I can never begin to say how graced I am to have been given the chances that I have received. You have listened to me and understood more than anyone would. You have given me the gift of a new personality, a way to be born into a better person (I suppose I can phrase it that way). You gave me an offer that I can never repay you and never be grateful enough for. It is obvious that I have broken the chances I have received. "I've been secretive and dishonest." I have truly broken any trust between us walked a line of chances I haven't deserved since the first incident in February. But the benefit of these chances has been the biggest one of my life. I could never sum the knowledge and experience I've gained from these months and struggles since our relationship was over. I have gained so much in so little time. I'll definitely be a brand new girl by the end of the year.
Furthermore, he couldn't be more right about me. I never think about how serious the consequences could be for anything I do. Sure, I think about the immediate reactions that could affect me, but never could I have realized what I was doing to everyone else. I could never have pictured the gravity of getting to close to someone. I could never have thought that it would ruin my relationship, make me lose all my friends, attempt to ruin the single thread of friendship I had with him, and leave me scarred and apathetic. I could never have seen the effects of becoming friends with a guy I met my freshman year. How he would lead me through the most distressing moments I could ever predict. He caused the worst day of my life. He lead to every cut I had made, every immature jealous thing I did, the way I acted for so long. I never knew that he would ruin every serious relationship I had or that I would finally get my revenge and be able to throw him away. (To be honest, I didn't think I was going to be able to do it). I never knew that one second decisions could lead me to months of suffering. Nor could I predict the pain I'd cause others. The heartbreak I'd cause the only person I truly care about. The disappointment and disgrace my family will have for me. If only I had foreseen how life would change. If only I could think...
I'm sorry if you feel your words have been wasted on me. If you feel your advice hasn't made it through my thick skull, I apologize. I do not mean to disrespect or devalue the grace of advice I have received. Never could I put something higher in importance. However, it is hard for me to deny instinct. My instinct to protect myself, the course of action ingrained in me from my childhood. It's hard to reach out to a world that I was told would bite you if you didn't hide or if you didn't bite first. It's hard to break instinct. But I'm trying. I've been telling you the truth about everything now. The truth about what happened yesterday, the harsh realities of who I am, the reasoning behind actions, the emotion behind the words. I've tried so hard to fight my instinct, but it comes off as if I'm not changing because I'm not talkative and I can't express myself if I don't know what to say or don't have anything to say. I'm passive and dull, my life hasn't been something I like to divulged into because it's filled with the monotone drone of a friendless college student. Nothing interesting here, just classwork.
The problem was my account was certainly an unanticipated drama. I took care of the problem in the only ways I knew how and I've been checking things out once/twice a week, and seeing that everything is fine. I haven't done anything that could lead to a mistake like that since. I undid all my settings on my old computer. I changed my passwords for everything. I feel so guilty for letting you be at risk for my own incompetent mistake, but I feel at this point that there is nothing to fear. I only hope that my perception is reality.
This is the paragraph that will destroy me inside, but that I must face through. "I deserve the fate I've been given." Like a light switch in a dark room, my life has suddenly turned to darkness. I don't know what's around me. I was only following the light. [Don't fucking cry. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. GOD DAMMIT. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fact I've been given. Alright. Back.] He was my only hope at this point. The challenge of earning him back is/was the only thing that concerned me. It was all I wanted, all I was working for; it was everything. I don't say that lightly either. [I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given.] I want to transfer home and go to MCC so I'm closer to him. If I have to go to ASU to be closer I would do it. And I hate ASU with a passion. He said that it won't happen. There is no hope. There's nothing I can do and nothing I can change to help get me back onto a track of possibilities. There is nothing. I must face that. Does he know how much I hate the concept of a relationship based on physicals? Does he know how much just thinking about that hurts me? How degraded I've made myself? Does he understand that I'd go through anything for him, even though I know now I can't have him? But I understand. I have to let go of the hope that I once had for resolution and move onto being something lesser. But I need to move on from that point and discuss the fact that I have never taken an action to intentionally hurt you, beyond that one time when I did that thing after the cold water bottle. My actions were never meant to hurt you and most of the time I don't think anything major through long enough to consider you into the equation. When I know that something will hurt you after it was been done, I hide it or refuse to believe it exists/happened. I don't like to hurt you and I don't mean to. Believe what you want; that is the truth.
[I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given.] Talking to you and considering seeing you is the most heart-wrenching thing. Yet another instance where heartbreak is occurring and yet I must go on as if nothing is wrong. I know what I did, what I got myself into, the choices I made. [I deserve the fate I've been given.] Regret does not cover the past. "Excuses only satisfy those who make them." The paper of hope I had was shredded and only tiny pieces are left, pieces that I cherish and cannot give away for it is impossible for me to stop hoping. [I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given.]
I never thought I was close to earning you back. I never did. Surely, I was hoping that I was closer than I was, but I only believed I was on my way there. Knowing now that I wasn't very far from start is disappointing for myself. [I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given.]
No more of this. I can't hold back anymore. I want to say what I feel, not what the world wants to hear. I don't want logic in my posts, I want emotion. I want heartfelt goodbyes and tear-stained notes. I want paragraphs that makes me laugh so hard I cry. You're going to move on. You've given me your final word of goodbye to my hope, and that's the end of it. There is no turning back from here (no matter how much I wish there was). Seeing you again is going to burn inside, and having passion with no meaning behind it will kill me. I used to say I love you all the time. Because I believed in it. Because I opened my heart and my mind to love and you embraced me and my love with full arms. I know that I destroyed that love, but when I said it, I would only hope that you knew it was true and that maybe some piece of you would see that girl before her actions, before everything changed.
At this point I question why I even let you stay around. It's breaking me to talk to you, to think about seeing you again, to think about you in any way at all. Something I want so desperately and I can't fight to have it. The powerlessness is eating away at me. I just want to hold you hand and have it mean something. Even that simplicity and I've turned it to ashes. I could have anyone I wanted, but I sit in tears begging for something you call impossible.
"You say 'No, it isn't working.' and I say, 'No, it isn't perfect.'"
"Nothing is impossible; the word itself says, 'I'm possible.'"
Back to business. College guys. Yes, they are of temptation. Yet, I can't see them as anything. They're just immature college guys, looking to score and walk away. They don't want anything more than my body. And I don't want them and their lies anyways. I'm not interested in any of them. I go to class and think about him and I call when I get home and I just think about you ALL THE TIME. I don't care about guys. If I did, I would tell you. You told me so. But I seriously doubt at this point that any guy could even enter my brain.
You wanna know how I summed up that hurt? All that pain? You wanna know how I repressed those tears? I DESERVE THE FATE I'VE BEEN GIVEN. I DID THIS. And I told him it was fine. That he was understood and just. Which he was. But God, how I wanted to leave this awful place and go to him. I want to beg on my knees and drop out of school. I want to tie my hair up every day and do the dishes for him! I want to be around when he cleans the pool and plays videogames. But I want him to hold me like he loves me. AND I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO TELL ME THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY. BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, IT IS GOD DAMN NOT OKAY.
I'm Not Okay (I Promise).
'The sun falls over the horizon,
she hikes over the mountain,
slowly following over hills,
valleys,
rivers,
plains,
oceans,
she crosses.
"I'll never let the sunset."'
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