I went through my old photos today. I stopped on a picture of me in a purple dress in a limo. That was an amazing night. It was weird and awkward too, but it was amazing all the same. It was prom night. So, I'm staring at this picture going, "Here I am, in this limo, with these people." And that's all I can call them. They used to be my friends. I wish they still were. It's weird. These two guys were pushed up against me (the limo is small) and yet, on Facebook, I refuse to acknowledge their existence. They don't exist online to me. It hurts me. To know that someone could be so close to me, someone I could trust, joke with, and have a general good time with could hurt me so deeply. It just doesn't even register to me why. Sometimes I just stare off into space and try to figure out how reality works. All I know is that it hurts really bad.
Maybe it isn't him. Maybe it's everyone. It's not just him I've been missing; in fact, it isn't him at all. It's friendship I've been missing. It's the general understanding that you can get from someone. You don't have to hide from them. I just miss that. It's why I've wanted to unblock my friend from middle school and my friend from high school. Why I want to message the girl I grew up with. Why I constantly feel like something is missing. I remember when I first met him. It was English class. And still now, out of everyone, it's him. And I don't know why. But I really wanted to be his friend. Out of everyone, I wanted him to respect me and want to be my friend. I still don't know why. Maybe because I seemed like he wanted to be heard. Maybe because I knew he was smart. Maybe because we got along nicely. I don't know what it was, but there was some reason. He's the one that hurts the most. He sits on my friends list when I know he shouldn't. And I want him to be my friend, but it's impossible now. I could go and hang out with all of them, but it wouldn't be right. They hate me. They think I'm so nasty, stupid cunt. I can never have them back, any of them. People I finally understood, people who wanted me around. I try not to cry over them.
I just really don't want to let them go. They're the only pieces of high school I still have left.
I hate college so far. I hate everything about it. I hate being away from my family and the guy I'm so desperately crushing on. I hate not being near my kittens. I hate the heat. I hate that there's no grocery or general store near me. I hate the ride to class. I hate how spaced out campus is. I hate the work. Everything about college sucks. The showers too small and the walls are definitely not sound proof. The bed squeaks. The light above my mirror and the one in my bathroom give me migraines. I just want to quit and go home.
I miss him most of all. I get these random bits of realization like, "I haven't heard his voice in days" and it slowly sets in how little we've talked. Maybe it's the fact that don't know how to get there from here. Or, maybe it's the fact that neither of us can wrap our arms around the other. I've missed him a lot more since he's not mine. ("Don't know what you've got, 'til it's gone.") It feels like there's so much more since then. I have so much more passion, love, and overall feelings for him since everything. He's so much more important now and that's saying something because he really was important before. I guess I could say that I'd do anything for him, so, I don't really know.
I think I'm going to go read some old posts.
'Such a klutz am I,
I wake up to great surprise,
and always am tricked by my eyes.
Is the stair there or here,
and tumbling down the concrete path I go.
Blood stain the concrete walkway,
filling the cracks in the tar.
People are screaming.
Oh! It's so loud,
like screeching,
it's ringing in your ears.
Suddenly the sirens and a pure white place.
Everything is in order.
The bed is cold.
They leave me a white sheet
and a black bag.
A string tied around
my biggest toe.'
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