Twelve Rugsėjis of Twenty Eleven

I just realized my last post was my hundredth one, and I don't remember what it's about.

I wonder if she ever cried for me. I wonder if there was guilt in her emotions, not just anger. I wonder if she ever missed me...

I wonder if I'll stop crying over him. I wonder why he, out of everyone, has made such an impression on my heart. I wonder why I can't get him out of my head. I want to know why I feel sorrow instead of anger...

I knew that he was stronger. Dreams like a reality. I knew that I could only use gravity and my body weight to hide myself and that I couldn't run forever. I knew that if I tried to hold the door that he would pull it open and see me. Why was I so afraid to see him? I wonder if I thought that I would break. I've had to fight ever want to message him, just to hear from him again. Maybe I knew that if I saw him, I would give in-that in reality I might also break. I want to know why I woke up in tears. I want to know why I want him back in my life. I don't understand.

I remember running into the next room, pressing myself into the wall and wishing that everything would go away. I had to handle it like an adult. I pretended I was invisible. I knew he would catch me. I knew I couldn't run or hide forever. He would catch me.

I don't know what hurts more, the running or who I was running from.

I know what I want, but I know what I can't have. And I know who he is. And it kills me sometimes.

"Wanna sniff my balls?"

'Forgiveness denied,
but heart with open arms.
She looks onto the horizon.
She hates the sea,
the water crashing onto the cliffs,
the sand between her toes,
the smell of the salt water.
She spits off the edge and curses.
But in her heart,
the tiniest flicker of remembrance,
sparks her longing...
Only the ocean can put out the flames.
She's scared of deep water.'