Ten Rugsėjis of Twenty Eleven

I don't remember how it started, but then again you never really do. I remember that he slept over at my house, the real one, not my dorm. I don't remember how I woke in the dream, but I remember being careful about it so that he could rest. I went to go do some work around the house. Eventually, I went back to see him, gave him a morning kiss and I went back to my work. Somehow, his brother was there and by the time I went back a second time to visit, they were talking about my ex that I went to visit. In this dream, I had hung out with my ex once more after he tried to hit on me the last time we hung out. He was upset that I hung out with this guy and took a risk without telling him, understandably. I told him that nothing happened and I wouldn't have let anything happen, so he shouldn't worry. I gave him another kiss, leaving him to chat with his brother, and I went off to do some more work (which I have no idea what it was). When I came back to my room, he was long gone. Apparently he had walked out, without even saying goodbye. Most of the internet doesn't know this, but that's just out-of-the-ordinary. I wanted to cry. If felt so hurt by the fact that he would just walk away after having such a wonderful sleepover. Only a few minutes later, he texted me and asked me to go to IHOP with him and he brother (like we had somehow originally planned).

What a weird dream. Maybe I'm worried that he'll just get up and leave someday. Maybe I think that he's getting worried that I won't be able to handle the boys. I mean, he has every right to feel that way. But it's funny, ever since this summer, I've been getting better at saying no. When my ex (the one that I saw again in the dream), tried to hit on me and tell me he wanted to be with me again, I told him I wasn't interested and that I was actually trying to attach myself to someone else. I said no. But that's not the point. I think my dream was trying to tell me that I'm afraid of losing him and that no matter when he leaves, it's going to break my heart. I don't want to lose him (again/ever).

'Twirling through a wheat plain,
she finds herself alone again.
Instead of calling out for help,
she made a soft yelp.
Suddenly she lay in wheat,
two small snakebites on her feet,
and while she never made it home,
she knew the dangers of her roam.'

Six Rugsėjis of Twenty Eleven

Lithuania, I am sick of your nonsensical accents and months.

It's funny, when people ask me how I am, my answer no longer settles on fine or alright. How many ways are there to say wonderful? Amazing, superb, perfect, scrumptious, awesome, sweet, brilliant, thrilling, exuberant, joyful, incredible, astounding, heart-fluttering, excellent, fabulouuuuuuuuuuussss~, fantastic, groovy, totally rad, magnificent, marvelous, peachy, pleasant, terrific, breathtaking, grand, mind-blowing, alluring, dazzling, and so much more.

I can't figure it out right now. Whether it's hormones, or if I really wish I could spend the rest of my life with this guy. I mean, the value of our relationship has increased significantly over the past few months. ("Don't Know What You've Got (Till It's Gone)") Maybe it's that. Maybe my love for him is blossoming like a flower. Blooming and growing as I crave him more and more. Never in my life have I felt this way. Not even in a childhood crush, have I felt such a desire to be with someone. I want him to cuddle me when I fall asleep, I want us to buy a house and keep cute little kittens in it together, and someday I hope that he'll want to leave one knee up and put on knee down and tell me that he feels the same way.

We like so much, and we have so many awesome times together. There's nothing wrong with feeling the way I do. I'm not saying that I want something major right now, I understand how ridiculous that is. But a girl can always dream that there's light in my future. Who knows?

'Printed black stockings run through the night,
she cries on her white sheets.
He knows her devilish secrets,
her mystic ways.
She clutches the cross at her bedside,
begging for love,
but only receiving forgiveness.'

Two Rugsėjis of Twenty Eleven

Being here is like a new world. Yes, this is my home. But everything is a reflection now. Remember when we set up yard sale signs there? Remember when he got his first kiss there? Remember when we used to walk from every football game and get pizza? Everything's gone.

"Her eyes like windows, trickling pain."

I have had the oddest, most entertaining week ever. He came on Thursday afternoon and we went to lunch. They had his favorite sandwich. Within two days, he ate five (although I suppose that isn't particularly impressive, just surprising.) It was amazing having him around. We watched "Armageddon" and "A Beautiful Mind." We stayed up 'til one, and we laughed, snuggled, and generally enjoyed each other's company. It was amazing. At one point, the suspense was killing me. I rolled over and looked at him (across the room), "Does this mean we're together again?" It did. I AM OFFICIALLY THE HAPPIEST GIRL ON THE PLANET. I could smile for hours. Every shadow of life I saw has disappeared and I am surround by a dazzling light. I have no worries. Life is perfect. No matter what I struggle with, knowing that he loves me and wants to be with me, I have no struggle. I have no pain with him. Suffering is a foreign thing. Coming to him in between classes was amazing. I'd rush up to see him and he'd just hold me, or I'd just hold him. And it was amazing.

Is it weird that I can someday imagine us being together in a home?

So, AWKWARD. I got a little sick. I think it wasn't bad because it's not really something I wanted and I think he knew that. It just made me sad/embarrassed because I was really working hard for something I really wanted and had been looking forward. And I didn't only mess it up for me, I messed it up for him too. He'll deny it, but I had to stop. And that means Apollo I failed. :( Oh well. Maybe next time I'll know. Also, is that a box in the road ahead? I FREAKIN' LOVE THAT.

I'm trying not to think about leaving home again. It'll make me too sad. I know that I have to leave again and I don't want to. I talked to my mom about transferring to the school I hate.

I have been faced with a challenge I don't know if I can meet. How do you describe amazing? Where your heart beats fast just to think about it? Where being with them is as satisfying as the warm sun on your back or a cool drink in the hot sun? Where do you begin to describe something as sweet as candy and as amazing as having unlimited money? It's as pleasant as a bubble bath and as fun as making a bubble beard. I wouldn't know what to say. It's on the tip of my tongue. Everything I want to say about him is trying to spill out and make me writes pages and pages until I write a billion novellas, but it just won't come. I'm so close to feeling the wind whipping through my hair, but I can't make the jump. Something is stopping me. Maybe it's just too much information flowing through my mind at once. I don't know if I'll be able to gather my thoughts before Tuesday.

'Kittens and Korn,
paradoxical statements are simplistic
and love is complicated.
LoveDon't break this ground.
I can see your laughter in the sunshine.'

Twenty-Eight Rugpjūtis of Twenty Eleven

I went through my old photos today. I stopped on a picture of me in a purple dress in a limo. That was an amazing night. It was weird and awkward too, but it was amazing all the same. It was prom night. So, I'm staring at this picture going, "Here I am, in this limo, with these people." And that's all I can call them. They used to be my friends. I wish they still were. It's weird. These two guys were pushed up against me (the limo is small) and yet, on Facebook, I refuse to acknowledge their existence. They don't exist online to me. It hurts me. To know that someone could be so close to me, someone I could trust, joke with, and have a general good time with could hurt me so deeply. It just doesn't even register to me why. Sometimes I just stare off into space and try to figure out how reality works. All I know is that it hurts really bad.

Maybe it isn't him. Maybe it's everyone. It's not just him I've been missing; in fact, it isn't him at all. It's friendship I've been missing. It's the general understanding that you can get from someone. You don't have to hide from them. I just miss that. It's why I've wanted to unblock my friend from middle school and my friend from high school. Why I want to message the girl I grew up with. Why I constantly feel like something is missing. I remember when I first met him. It was English class. And still now, out of everyone, it's him. And I don't know why. But I really wanted to be his friend. Out of everyone, I wanted him to respect me and want to be my friend. I still don't know why. Maybe because I seemed like he wanted to be heard. Maybe because I knew he was smart. Maybe because we got along nicely. I don't know what it was, but there was some reason. He's the one that hurts the most. He sits on my friends list when I know he shouldn't. And I want him to be my friend, but it's impossible now. I could go and hang out with all of them, but it wouldn't be right. They hate me. They think I'm so nasty, stupid cunt. I can never have them back, any of them. People I finally understood, people who wanted me around. I try not to cry over them.

I just really don't want to let them go. They're the only pieces of high school I still have left.

I hate college so far. I hate everything about it. I hate being away from my family and the guy I'm so desperately crushing on. I hate not being near my kittens. I hate the heat. I hate that there's no grocery or general store near me. I hate the ride to class. I hate how spaced out campus is. I hate the work. Everything about college sucks. The showers too small and the walls are definitely not sound proof. The bed squeaks. The light above my mirror and the one in my bathroom give me migraines. I just want to quit and go home.

I miss him most of all. I get these random bits of realization like, "I haven't heard his voice in days" and it slowly sets in how little we've talked. Maybe it's the fact that don't know how to get there from here. Or, maybe it's the fact that neither of us can wrap our arms around the other. I've missed him a lot more since he's not mine. ("Don't know what you've got, 'til it's gone.") It feels like there's so much more since then. I have so much more passion, love, and overall feelings for him since everything. He's so much more important now and that's saying something because he really was important before. I guess I could say that I'd do anything for him, so, I don't really know.

I think I'm going to go read some old posts.

'Such a klutz am I,
I wake up to great surprise,
and always am tricked by my eyes.
Is the stair there or here,
and tumbling down the concrete path I go.

Blood stain the concrete walkway,
filling the cracks in the tar.
People are screaming.
Oh! It's so loud,
like screeching,
it's ringing in your ears.

Suddenly the sirens and a pure white place.
Everything is in order.
The bed is cold.
They leave me a white sheet
and a black bag.
A string tied around
my biggest toe.'

Twenty-Four Rugpjūtis of Twenty Eleven

"Keep Holding On" by Avril Lavigne. I've really been on an Avril kick this morning. I love how heartbroken some of her songs are.

I'm not sure if I'm heartbroken or homesick, but either way, I want to go home. I don't want to be in college. I want to sleep in my own bed...Maybe I just want to be with him. All of a sudden there's this revelation that if I had stayed, I could still have a chance. All of this loss I'm feeling wouldn't exist. Every thought I'm trying to deny wouldn't have to be hidden.

However, the reality of it all is slowly knocking me down. It's building like the tide. You know how you stand on the edge of the ocean and the waves slowly push against you. Every one of those tiny waves just pushing at you, wearing away your resistance and your hopes to push through. I'm falling to the ocean. I've got my nose above the water and I'm gasping for air. Hopefully I'm going to be able to sit up against the ocean soon.

I remember long ago I made a metaphor about how being on a relationship was like being on a hill. You stood on a large grassy hill, overlooking a city, and more specifically a street having construction done. When relationships are falling apart, the couple walks into the city. And when people break up, one pushes the other into a pile of dirt near the construction zone. Heartbreak is kind of like dirt in the sense that once it happens, it's everywhere. Dirt is literally on your clothes, in your hair, in your mouth. Heartbreak is in your coffee, scattered in your brain, in the music you hear. Dirt and heartbreak are everywhere and won't go away; even if you scrub and clean or move forward with your life, there will always be a remnant. Something that you can't get rid of. And when you get over that heart break, you pick yourself up out of the dirt and brush yourself off. If you're lucky, someone else might walk along and help, another other. If not, well, you do it your god damn self. You walk away from the dirt, and brush yourself off. That's what happens. You move forward and end up okay.

'They headed to the fields for harvest,
the sweet crop was ripe for picking,
juicy and delicious was their crop.
Mouths watered as they pulled the red berries from the vines,
felt their plump fruit in their hands,
and smelt the tempting satisfaction they had worked for.'

"Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne

Twenty-Three Rugpjūtis of Twenty Eleven

I remember waking up this morning, like most mornings with a prayer. I desperate plea to God to make things good today. God has graced me with so much. My intelligence, my family, the country I was blessed into. God even gave me the gift of beauty, but I suppose it has transformed itself into more of a sin for me.

Tonight, I asked him to give me the ability to accept my fate with open arms. Like Jesus (not literally) did when his Father told Him that He must die for the sins of the people. I walk into my reality understanding that this is the life that I have made with my decisions and actions. Yes, reality has pained me again and again and offered me a hopeless path that I refuse to stop following, but it is still the fate that I deserve. And I welcome it.

I might cry later tonight, it is debatable, but for now I refuse. I will handle this like an adult. I cannot refuse to be heartbroken, but I can refuse to act upset and bitchy like an immature teenager. I don't want to seem immature and I want to act like the adult I'm suppose to be. I think I've been holding myself together like an adult. I've been answering honestly and truthfully and maturely through all of this. I'm handling myself well. (That's good).

I'm trying to figure out if the above paragraphs are me trying to reassure myself.

It's getting really hard not to cry. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. Alright. Better.

I suppose I should start from the top. It's hard for someone to change. I guess I could say this about everything. Our country hasn't changed, even though Obama is in office. My personality certainly isn't going to change in an instant, and it's sad when people expect our country can do that. I have obviously made some major changes within the last eight months. Changes that make me question whether I'd recognize who I was before. Even now, I am developing and changing. I suppose it's easier for me to focus on the little things I've changed, like trying to say "alright" instead of "okay," because it's longer and somehow more meaningful. I've been trying to type out complete sentences and I regret each time I accidentally type "kk" into the computer instead of just "k." I look at all these little changes that I've made. I practically write my blog now for him to read because it's hard for me to be straightforward when I know he can respond at that instant. Sometimes I know he won't like something, and so I chose to face him in another matter. Not the point. I'm just trying to say that change doesn't come quickly, and I lost my chance by not coming quick enough. (One reason out of a billion).

Next I'm going to address what happened with him. My last friend. Someone who hurt me in ways I cannot explain and yet made me understand a situation I never thought possible. I suppose I'm only trying to senselessly justify to myself what happened that night. I've never been without friends before. I've always had one. One person I could be honest with, one person I could trust, one person who would share with me like I shared with them and they could trust me and we were friends. I thought he was that. Someone I loved platonically and he loved me too. I was mistaken. His demands may have been jokes, but I couldn't interpret it. His voice stayed the same throughout the call, he never said just kidding, or laughed. He seemed seriously. In that hour, I was afraid. I knew that whatever I did to appease him would be wrong, but if I didn't I might lose him forever. It was the reality of being friendless that ultimately lead me to my actions. No, I am not exempt because I could have (and should have) still denied, reasoning that a friendship like that wasn't a friendship I wanted. But I didn't have the heart to let my last friend go. The last shred of high school I had to hang onto. And so it was done. I appeased the jokes that weren't serious and fell to yet another mistake. However, I also did something I never though possible. I fixed it. I messaged him, explained myself, worked it out. We became friends again; we worked it out. I never could have considered doing that only a few months ago. I would have lived with regret. Another has taught me that you can move past your defaults.

That the most difficult phone call I've had in a long time.

I can never begin to say how graced I am to have been given the chances that I have received. You have listened to me and understood more than anyone would. You have given me the gift of a new personality, a way to be born into a better person (I suppose I can phrase it that way). You gave me an offer that I can never repay you and never be grateful enough for. It is obvious that I have broken the chances I have received. "I've been secretive and dishonest." I have truly broken any trust between us walked a line of chances I haven't deserved since the first incident in February. But the benefit of these chances has been the biggest one of my life. I could never sum the knowledge and experience I've gained from these months and struggles since our relationship was over. I have gained so much in so little time. I'll definitely be a brand new girl by the end of the year.

Furthermore, he couldn't be more right about me. I never think about how serious the consequences could be for anything I do. Sure, I think about the immediate reactions that could affect me, but never could I have realized what I was doing to everyone else. I could never have pictured the gravity of getting to close to someone. I could never have thought that it would ruin my relationship, make me lose all my friends, attempt to ruin the single thread of friendship I had with him, and leave me scarred and apathetic. I could never have seen the effects of becoming friends with a guy I met my freshman year. How he would lead me through the most distressing moments I could ever predict. He caused the worst day of my life. He lead to every cut I had made, every immature jealous thing I did, the way I acted for so long. I never knew that he would ruin every serious relationship I had or that I would finally get my revenge and be able to throw him away. (To be honest, I didn't think I was going to be able to do it). I never knew that one second decisions could lead me to months of suffering. Nor could I predict the pain I'd cause others. The heartbreak I'd cause the only person I truly care about. The disappointment and disgrace my family will have for me. If only I had foreseen how life would change. If only I could think...

I'm sorry if you feel your words have been wasted on me. If you feel your advice hasn't made it through my thick skull, I apologize. I do not mean to disrespect or devalue the grace of advice I have received. Never could I put something higher in importance. However, it is hard for me to deny instinct. My instinct to protect myself, the course of action ingrained in me from my childhood. It's hard to reach out to a world that I was told would bite you if you didn't hide or if you didn't bite first. It's hard to break instinct. But I'm trying. I've been telling you the truth about everything now. The truth about what happened yesterday, the harsh realities of who I am, the reasoning behind actions, the emotion behind the words. I've tried so hard to fight my instinct, but it comes off as if I'm not changing because I'm not talkative and I can't express myself if I don't know what to say or don't have anything to say. I'm passive and dull, my life hasn't been something I like to divulged into because it's filled with the monotone drone of a friendless college student. Nothing interesting here, just classwork.

The problem was my account was certainly an unanticipated drama. I took care of the problem in the only ways I knew how and I've been checking things out once/twice a week, and seeing that everything is fine. I haven't done anything that could lead to a mistake like that since. I undid all my settings on my old computer. I changed my passwords for everything. I feel so guilty for letting you be at risk for my own incompetent mistake, but I feel at this point that there is nothing to fear. I only hope that my perception is reality.

This is the paragraph that will destroy me inside, but that I must face through. "I deserve the fate I've been given." Like a light switch in a dark room, my life has suddenly turned to darkness. I don't know what's around me. I was only following the light. [Don't fucking cry. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. GOD DAMMIT. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fact I've been given. Alright. Back.] He was my only hope at this point. The challenge of earning him back is/was the only thing that concerned me. It was all I wanted, all I was working for; it was everything. I don't say that lightly either. [I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given.] I want to transfer home and go to MCC so I'm closer to him. If I have to go to ASU to be closer I would do it. And I hate ASU with a passion. He said that it won't happen. There is no hope. There's nothing I can do and nothing I can change to help get me back onto a track of possibilities. There is nothing. I must face that. Does he know how much I hate the concept of a relationship based on physicals? Does he know how much just thinking about that hurts me? How degraded I've made myself? Does he understand that I'd go through anything for him, even though I know now I can't have him? But I understand. I have to let go of the hope that I once had for resolution and move onto being something lesser. But I need to move on from that point and discuss the fact that I have never taken an action to intentionally hurt you, beyond that one time when I did that thing after the cold water bottle. My actions were never meant to hurt you and most of the time I don't think anything major through long enough to consider you into the equation. When I know that something will hurt you after it was been done, I hide it or refuse to believe it exists/happened. I don't like to hurt you and I don't mean to. Believe what you want; that is the truth.

[I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given.] Talking to you and considering seeing you is the most heart-wrenching thing. Yet another instance where heartbreak is occurring and yet I must go on as if nothing is wrong. I know what I did, what I got myself into, the choices I made. [I deserve the fate I've been given.] Regret does not cover the past. "Excuses only satisfy those who make them." The paper of hope I had was shredded and only tiny pieces are left, pieces that I cherish and cannot give away for it is impossible for me to stop hoping. [I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given.]

I never thought I was close to earning you back. I never did. Surely, I was hoping that I was closer than I was, but I only believed I was on my way there. Knowing now that I wasn't very far from start is disappointing for myself. [I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given. I deserve the fate I've been given.]

No more of this. I can't hold back anymore. I want to say what I feel, not what the world wants to hear. I don't want logic in my posts, I want emotion. I want heartfelt goodbyes and tear-stained notes. I want paragraphs that makes me laugh so hard I cry. You're going to move on. You've given me your final word of goodbye to my hope, and that's the end of it. There is no turning back from here (no matter how much I wish there was). Seeing you again is going to burn inside, and having passion with no meaning behind it will kill me. I used to say I love you all the time. Because I believed in it. Because I opened my heart and my mind to love and you embraced me and my love with full arms. I know that I destroyed that love, but when I said it, I would only hope that you knew it was true and that maybe some piece of you would see that girl before her actions, before everything changed.

At this point I question why I even let you stay around. It's breaking me to talk to you, to think about seeing you again, to think about you in any way at all. Something I want so desperately and I can't fight to have it. The powerlessness is eating away at me. I just want to hold you hand and have it mean something. Even that simplicity and I've turned it to ashes. I could have anyone I wanted, but I sit in tears begging for something you call impossible.

"You say 'No, it isn't working.' and I say, 'No, it isn't perfect.'"
"Nothing is impossible; the word itself says, 'I'm possible.'"

Back to business. College guys. Yes, they are of temptation. Yet, I can't see them as anything. They're just immature college guys, looking to score and walk away. They don't want anything more than my body. And I don't want them and their lies anyways. I'm not interested in any of them. I go to class and think about him and I call when I get home and I just think about you ALL THE TIME. I don't care about guys. If I did, I would tell you. You told me so. But I seriously doubt at this point that any guy could even enter my brain.

You wanna know how I summed up that hurt? All that pain? You wanna know how I repressed those tears? I DESERVE THE FATE I'VE BEEN GIVEN. I DID THIS. And I told him it was fine. That he was understood and just. Which he was. But God, how I wanted to leave this awful place and go to him. I want to beg on my knees and drop out of school. I want to tie my hair up every day and do the dishes for him! I want to be around when he cleans the pool and plays videogames. But I want him to hold me like he loves me. AND I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO TELL ME THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY. BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, IT IS GOD DAMN NOT OKAY.

I'm Not Okay (I Promise).

'The sun falls over the horizon,
she hikes over the mountain,
slowly following over hills,
valleys,
rivers,
plains,
oceans,
she crosses.
"I'll never let the sunset."'

Twenty-Two Rugpjūtis of Twenty Eleven

I have suddenly, and once against, cast myself into a state of great mental debate. Surely, I have been here before, but never once has an offer looked so tempting. It's odd how the stubbornness that I threw myself into only a few years ago has worn down so quickly. Something that was so hard to completely through away sits in front of me now, like an offer I can no longer resist.

The tears are not enough anymore. The burning mascara tears that caress my face do not give the satisfaction that I quest for. I need more to fulfill my broken heart. I want to understand it with my body, not just in my soul. I'm shaking, all over. I'm clawing at the counter, I'm ripping holes in my sheets, gripping myself like someone in a straight jacket. I'm trying to convince myself that these desires are not to be finished. All I can do it sit on my hands and rock back and forth; it's the only way.

What's breaks me now is him. And this is the third day I've been here and I've already stained my pillow case with hurt tears. I'm so desperate to earn him back. I do everything he asks. At this point, I might actually step beyond my boundaries and try something new. Of course, I don't want to. But what does it matter? That statement is what breaks me down. I made a mistake, a huge one, yes. And now, everything I feel is disregarded and thrown away. My feelings are nothing of value because if he hurts me, it's nothing compared to what I've done. And collectively, no, it isn't. How could I ever even suggest that I would be? And yet, I think that these tears are adding up. I'm sick of having only him to be honest with, and yet I can't be honest at all. I can never show him what I'm feeling because it doesn't matter to him. In fact, it disgusts him. And if I have to hide to have him love me, I'll do it. I can't have my own feelings tossed aside, so I become apathetic and cold. I'm really not so distant, but if you separate me from my feeling, who do you really expect to talk to?

I try everything to make him happy. He'll say that I've made my mistakes, that I'm not doing good enough. But I'm trying. I am. When I hurt him accidentally, it kills me to know I did it, and then he tears me down like an old poster that nobody wants to see. I get double the torture, and all the accident.

I was convinced when I began this that my torture would fade, that my conviction would not continue. However, with every character I write, I crave more and more. I deny myself so vehemently, yet it is become more challenging each day.

I don't think I can hold onto what I was anymore.

'Find the tools to save a life,
Why was Amanda tested twice?
Stubbornness was the wall I hid behind.
I'm hiding my want from the world.
This will bring me satisfaction,
and the dark clouds of consequence.'