October the Thirtieth of Two Thousand and Ten

No. Whatever was thought, planned, meticulously pondered, considered, and believed stands true. If anything, it is only more solid with the light on in the room. Never once had I considered what was real until I knew what it was. I am the lucky one who left from the cave ("Allegory of a Dark Cave" by Plato). I saw the sun, and though it blinded me at first, I know only what is real.


"I am completely satisfied without the time."

You have to understand, I cannot reach out to you. I love you, it is true, but I can't do it. You know that this anger comes from somewhere else, and I hate to lash out at you, but I feel like you're always giving me a double standard. Always tell me what's wrong with me. Not crediting me with any intelligence. Not giving me any leeway. I want to talk to you, but I'm too upset. I can't even tell you that I can't talk to you. There just isn't a way for me to do this. The reason why we always talk when they're around leads me to my next paragraph (and the one after that)...

I finally figured it out. After all the suggestions for last night, and the endless possibilities, it only hit me this morning. And it smacked me right in the face (how cliché). It's my family (but more specifically my father). I realize now that I always felt that even though he always (had to) love(d) me, I strive for his approval too. In order to receive this, I must intelligent and have no controversial opinions at all. This comes to what defines me: I sit down, shut up, and take it. Take how he criticizes my every move, how he rejects my every proposal, how I will never be good enough, how immature I am, how (on and on and on). I only wanted to be his girl, the daughter he always wanted. I took a few steps off the trail and got lost, and now I'm on a separate path. He'll never understand why I believe what I do because he hasn't seen what I have seen (and the reverse). [Never again shall I underestimate the effect a parent may have on a child.] "[My child], I am so glad you agree with me on everything! I couldn't have said it better!" He just said that to me about the way I described the political propositions of this year. I...want him to love me, so I let my anger dwell within.

Onto you. It frustrates me. How things are between us. In at least two ways. The first being the fact that no matter how independent from men I wish I could be, I will rely on you (heavily), and I already find you quite helpful (for my sanity and stuff). It's so aggravating to think that I will need you eventually and it is so..confusing. I don't know how to feel about this. It makes me nervous. I can only hope that you would never betray me without my deserving, but I am afraid to trust my friends. I have lost them so easily, and they have cut me so deeply. You know what it is like to hurt and be hurt.

'Rising with the sun,
a blood stained flag waves.
Shut, then open, shut,
Falling and soaring.
Jump and caught.
Turned to smile,
Neptune and Pluto switch,
Uranus admires.'